


Should We Fail To Find Home, Know That I-

by Chex_Nix



Series: Of Sugar and Superpowers [1]
Category: Hiveswap, Homestuck
Genre: (Most Of These Are About Aradia Honestly), (but for using superpowers), (sort of), AND SO MUCH MORE!!!!!!!, Alien Biology, Alien Culture, Alien Technology, Aliens, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Superheroes/Superpowers, Animal Traits, Blood, Body Dysphoria, Breaking and Entering, Canon Disabled Character, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Death, Crime Fighting, Dave Strider Swearing, Death Jokes, Denial of Feelings, Dirty Jokes, F/F, F/M, Family Feels, Family Fluff, Family Secrets, Feelings, Fluff and Angst, Ghosts, Grubs (Homestuck), Humans In Troll Romances (Homestuck), Humanstuck, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Inappropriate Reactions To Serious Situations, Karkat Has Gills, Karkat Swearing, Like Have You Seen Some Of Them, Lizards, M/M, Misunderstandings, Mr. Crocker-Egbert is one Entity, Not Epilogue Compliant, Other, POV Outsider, Panic Attacks, Psionics, Rare Pairings, Recreational Drug Use, Robots, Self-Harm, Shenanigans, Species Dysphoria, Spiders, Substance Abuse, Supernatural Elements, Supernatural Features, Swearing, Technology, Temporary Character Death, The Horrorterrors (Homestuck), Troll Romance (Homestuck), Unconventional Families, Unconventional Relationship, Underage Substance Use, Weapons, Wings, but also sorta really, but not really, gillkat, i love that those are tags, larry - Freeform, outsider pov, secret agencies
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-31
Updated: 2019-09-06
Packaged: 2020-07-28 07:28:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 26,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20060266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chex_Nix/pseuds/Chex_Nix
Summary: The Game is over and done with. It’s time to head out to the new universe and start again. It’s time to go forward.You should have known better though.Even if you leave the game it will always be with you.————————————Earth C isn’t what anyone expected. And now with the kids adjusting to a new life, the Games remnants coming to haunt them, and a ridiculous amount of mystery surrounding the nature of the world they have created, will they be prepared for the next step?





	1. Prelude to a (Shit) Storm

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [To Live a Normal Life? How preposterous!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11470704) by [09Pyros_09Hydros](https://archiveofourown.org/users/09Pyros_09Hydros/pseuds/09Pyros_09Hydros). 

Your name is Jude Harley, and you live on an island all your own. Literally. After your Pa and various adopted siblings left for the main world for the first time in six years many, many months ago, you’d been left on Hellmurder Island on your own. At your request, of course, you’re eighteen now and fully capable of making your own decisions. You’re independent now Harley, make the best of it!

Of course, your independence is not the only reason you stayed behind. Far from it! There’s a very important reason you are here, and here it comes right now! In the sky, a brilliant light begins to trail right for you. One could liken it to a firework, or a shooting star. If a shooting star hurtled towards you at light speed! Yes, Jude, you should probably duck.

So you ducked, watching as the comet missed your face by mere meters. Ouch, that would have hurt. You’d rather not be Jude Paste, painting the forest floor in a rather fetching visage of red, you much prefer being alive thank you. You shake your head away from such morbid thoughts, and jump off your rocky perch. Watching as the steam rises from the new crater below.

Well, there’s the comet, now where’s the Superman?

Supergirl?

What baby are you getting anyway?

Whatever, it doesn’t matter. There’s a baby down there and by Jove are you going to care for it! You make your way into the crater, vision clouded by smoke, the sound of baby babble making its way to your ears. It sounds a bit strange though, like two voices overlapping. Could it be that the baby is an alien? Well, more alien, seeing as it already came from space.

The smoke begins to clear, making a shape visible. It’s a toddler with long dark hair, a slightly burned stuffed rabbit, and glasses? Do alien babies need glasses? Whatever, think about that later. The baby looks to be around one or two, with an incredible resemblance to your deceased Aunt Jaden. This must be her ecto-clone then.

You scoop up the baby, who is remarkably unharmed and ponder for a second, “I think I’ll call you Jade, it’s a good name don’t you think?”

Jade only gurgles. You think Jade agrees.

You turn about face, you have your baby after all. And it’s time to make a few calls to the others to see if their meteors have arrived yet. Probably not, there would probably be far more earthquakes if eight meteors all fell at the same time after all. You begin to walk away, wondering about probabilities.

And then you hear it.

_More babbling. _

You turn around, feeling much like the blonde girl in a horror movie, and there it is. Lying atop of the meteor itself is another one. Another baby. Another baby who is also dual wielding pistols?!?!

Oh, that one is most certainly your father.

Alright then Jude, you’re now the single father of two alien babies. You can do this! You can do this! You can’t do this.

You need to call Roxanne.

_ ===>Years ???..._

Your name is Jade Harley and you are so excited! The Game is finally over, all your close friends are still alive and then some, and a new universe is right outside that door! There’s nothing that could ruin this day!

At least, you thought that, you should have known better though.

In Paradox Space nothing goes as planned.


	2. It Starts With The Early Bird

You are now someone completely different from Jade Harley, though some may say her time was short lived, rest assured that she will be back.

No matter that however, as right now you are someone else. And you are someone else with a problem.

You are now Dave Strider. To be more specific, you are the Dave Strider that _ most definitely did not have wings five seconds ago. _ Hell, you weren’t even in this room five seconds ago. Or you were, but, shit! 

Alright Strider, deep breath, count back from ten and try to sort out the premium shit show that is your memories right now. Fifteen seconds ago you were standing on the victory platform, next to Karkat and the rest of your friends. You are from Houston, Texas, used to live with your shitty Bro, and were a minor internet celebrity for the artistic genius that is _ Sweet Bro And Hella Jeff. _

But, twenty seconds ago you were sitting in the same bed you are now, waking up from a night's rest. You used to live in Houston but moved to Washington when you were around five, you live with a significantly less shitty Bro, your Post-Scratch Self, D, and Dirk. You are a minor celebrity in general due to D’s amazing movie renditions of _ Sweet Bro And Hella Jeff _ and your Bro’s cool inventions.

You have never played Sburb despite turning sixteen last year.

You also never had wings, but you’re pretty sure that’s just from the Game’s fucked up sense of humor. _ Oh hey, you remember that neat Sprite version of yourself? Here have his wings! _ And then it dumped them on you with approximately none of the experience needed to move the giant orange fuckers. 

You just hope no one walks in right now because forget hiding the things, you can’t even get up!

_ Creee- _Oh for fucks sake.

You look up to see who it is, hoping that it’s not Bro because you are _ nowhere _ near ready for that confrontation. Then you remember he’s out of town for the week on _ ‘business’ _ and won’t be back for the next four days, thank gog. Still, you better hope it’s Dirk ‘cause you don’t even know where to start with D.

Thankfully some Greater Power heard your prayers, or maybe Jade’s teen Grandpa, he was a Hope Player right? 

Dirk stands there in his pointy anime shades, all cool and collected, the perfect image of a miniature Bro. Even with his chill facade you can tell he’s taken aback by the sorry scene in front of him. And not in the _ My Brother Just Sprouted Wings And I Don't Know What To Do _ kind of way, but the, _ Oh My God I Thought The Sudden Weird Shit Was Over _ kind of way. Which, honestly he shouldn’t be surprised considering the past few years and the shenanigans that happened during them.

You wave your free hand, the one not crushed by fifty pounds of feathers, and ask, “Hey, could you help a bro out over here?”

Dirk just sighs.

===>

An hour and a shit ton of heavy lifting later, you finally manage to stand somewhat straight up. Walking more than five feet without tripping is still a challenge but you’ll probably figure it out in the next couple of days. Which is more than you can say about the new muscles in your back, you’re not sure where to even start with that fucking mess. 

You’ve made it to your computer chair though, which thank fuck because you don’t even want to _ try _with your sylladex right now. Something about them not previously existing in this universe gives you one hell of a migraine. Paradoxical technology aside though, you honestly have no clue as to what’s going on. Maybe Dirk does though, he’s probably the kind of guy to be on top of things.

“I have no fucking clue what’s going on right now,” or not, “Or where the wings came from seeing as you didn’t have those like, what an hour and a half ago?”

Hour and fifteen minutes is more like it but not everyone is a walking pocket watch so you let it be, “I’m like ninety-nine percent sure they’re from my sprite.”

“Why the hell would your sprite give you wings,” He raises an eyebrow.

“A Doomed me programmed himself into it after some shitty crow.”

“Oh,” he deadpanned, “Well that sounds like shit.”

“Eh, I couldn’t really tell you if it was shit or not,” You shrug, “He dipped pretty soon after he programmed himself for vague and mysterious reasons.”

“Huh,” Is all he has to say to that. 

“I know right, what an asshole.”

“No, it’s just that it sounds stupidly close to what happened to my sprite.”

“Your doomed self fused with a bird?” It wouldn’t surprise you if it did, Paradox Space loves its irony more than every Strider in the vast multiverse combined.

Dirks face sours, “No.”

You decide to leave that sleeping dog lie for now, and move on to the far bigger sleeping dog taking up the room like Clifford’s lazy uncle twice-removed, “You have any clue if the others remember or not?”

“Yeah, Roxy pestered me when I first woke up, but I don’t know shit about anyone else,” He admits. So that’s at least Mom then, or cousin-sister adjacent person according to this world’s memories. Hopefully the others remember too or this is gonna be one weird fucking family secret.

A ping goes off from your computer behind you, you spin around to see who it is and-

Oh.

Oh thank god.

===>

You are now the mystery pinger an hour and a half ago. However you would prefer to be referred to by your actual fucking name. What would that be? Karkat Vantas, obviously, who else would you be, bulgewit?

At least, that’s what you would have said if you weren’t in the middle of a fucking crisis right now! 

You woke up in the middle of a human respiteblock, which was the first sign that things had gone shithive. The second sign was waking up in a body that _ most certainly was not yours. _ It was soft and squishy and definitely not grey. Plus your fucking horns were missing!

The worst part about this is how turning human doesn’t surprise you. You mean, _ obviously _ it’s as sudden and unwelcome as tripping face first into a load of moobeast manure after being stung by a horde of angry bees. But, with all the shit you’ve been through surprising is the last thing it is.

Fuck, just, fuck is all you have to say about this. No non sequitur nonsense about how this shitty situation is comparable to some other shitty situation, because you’re too busy freaking out about _ what the hell is in your pants right now. _Seriously just, what the fuck?

Yeah, no you’re not dealing with any of this right now. You’re shoving all the shit going down both in your brain _ and _ in your pants to the wayside, it gets a little corner all to itself. Endearingly, you have named it _ Karkat’s Personal Hellhouse, _or maybe just _ Hell _ for short because you’re pretty sure you’ll die if you go in there.

There, the shit show has been stuffed into its metaphorical circus tent, time to finally figure out what the other steaming shit pile in your thinkpan is about. Can’t put it off forever, Vantas. After unpacking the rest of the nonsense going on up there you wish you did though, because all it did was make it _ ten times more confusing. _

Apparently, you are Karkat Vantas, that much is pretty fucking clear. Except apparently you’re not Troll Karkat Vantas, you are Human Karkat Vantas who is very different from Troll Karkat Vantas by din of not growing up in the living Hellscape that was Alternia. Not that much different thankfully, or else this migraine would probably be _ so _much worse.

You have a human-father-lusus named Samuel Vantas who you are fairly certain is just your Ancestors painted with the brush of You’re Human Now Fuck You, hopefully minus the memories. Human-father-lusus you can handle, Human-Troll-ancestor you cannot. Plus the other adults Human You apparently had no qualms with hanging out with. You are so abso-fucking-lutly certain they are your friends anscestors that you’d get up and proclaim your nonexistent undying love for all matter of musclebeast paraphernalia. Considering one is _ literally a human Her Imperious Condescension _, you’d say you have pretty good chances of not making a fool of yourself here.

Thanks for that Feferi, truly.

Really though_, _did you _actually _win the game? Because this shit feels like the opposite of winning right now. Not just losing, no, losing and then being spat on by the CEO of whatever company manufactured the damn game in the first place. A CEO who is probably the fabric of _THE UNIVERSE ITSELF._

You’d say this couldn’t get any worse but the sudden knock at your door is seconds ahead of any metaphysical irony taking place right now.

“Karkat, are you alright in there?” The human manifestation of Kankri Vantas outside your door asks, “You’re usually up by now.”

The last thing you want to do is get up right now, but pride, the primal fear of adults, and Human Karkat’s memories prevent you from making some excuse like being sick. The last thing you want to be right now is hovered over by your mother cluckbeast of a human-lusus. So instead you shout, “I’M FINE, GO THE FUCK AWAY.”

Yeah, you’re not yelling again after that because _ fucking ow your head. _

“Language, Karkat,” Your human-lusus chides, memories telling you that this isn’t the first time the two of you have done this. It probably won’t be the last either. Gog, you miss Crabdad, at least he listened to you _ sometimes. _ Human-lusus continues despite your painful trip down memory lane, “But, truly, if anything is wrong please tell me. If you need me I will be downstairs finishing breakfast. Please try to be ready by then.”

At least he’s not as long winded as Troll Kankri, maybe human lungs are your saving grace in this. Wait, shit, you have human lungs now. Whatever, you’ll burn that bridge when you get to it. Time to get up and face the day Karkat, you think, then immediately fall back on the bed.

_ Oh fucking fantastic, this is the last thing I need _. Apparently, human muscles function completely fucking differently from trolls! Damn it. You are so goddamn tired of being inconvenienced by a Universe who thinks your suffering is a Grade A motherfucking Comedy show. Your just so fucking SICK OF IT.

YOU JUST WANT SOMETHING TO GO SMOOTHLY, IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?

You prepare for your long winded mental rant, it will be glorious, containing pages upon pages of thought dedicated to flinging fecal matter unto the great and glorious image Paradox Space has of itself! It will be- 

Wait, what the fuck was that feeling just then?

You look around, the first sign that something weird just happened considering you could only manage to move your mouth five fucking seconds ago. Maybe you were blessed by the motherfucking miracle fairy, one who goes around dressed as a goddamn clown and honks. Actually no, you are not going to think about that assclown at the moment because there’s a human version of him living _ right down the street. _

Just no, hell no.

Back to your spontaneously functioning muscles. Those are something you can at least try to handle right now. Or not, considering that the feeling of A THOUSAND SUNS NOW OCCUPYING YOUR RIBCAGE HAS DESCENDED UPON YOU LIKE AN ANGRY CHOLERBEAR. 

Fuck, you hate when this happens.

You use Human You’s muscle memory to dart into the bathroom at record breaking speed, and start up the ablution trap. You watch impatiently as water begins to pour out of the faucet, something you would consider weird as fuck if it weren’t for your aching sides right now. It’s not even halfway full before you dive into it, soaking your boxers but thankfully not your sleepwear. At least you had enough sense to keep those from getting wet.

You weren’t really paying too much attention, seeing as you _ couldn’t fucking breathe. _

Which, apparently you are also a troll again. How the fuck? You’re torn between being thankful and _ annoyed as all hell _, seriously how the fuck are you going to hide this? Between the horns and the gills, no amount of human colored dumbass clown paint is going to hide this. Whatever, you’ll be pissed about it ONCE YOUR SIDES STOP FEELING LIKE DEATH, that’s not even an exaggeration because it’s almost like you just got stabbed again!

You’ll never get why Eridan and Feferi enjoyed having gills so much if they hurt this bad when dried out. But maybe it’s just your freakish mutant ass trying its best to get itself killed by any means possible. That’s probably it, that or you just fucking suck at taking care of yourself.

You’d like to think that Dave has helped you in that department, but you’re both walking dumpsters fires who suck at self care so who really knows.

Wait.

FUCK.

HOW DID YOU FORGET ABOUT DAVE.

KARKAT VANTAS YOU BULGESUCKING DIPSHIT.

You de-captchalogue your husktop, which is waterproof because it wasn’t made in a shitty human factory like every other appliance on earth, and log into Trollian. Most of the chumpRoll is offline which does not surprise you considering the human versions of your Troll friends use PesterChum. A few of them are online, thankfully, but you don’t recognize some of them_ (Who the hell is timaeusTestified?) _But the one you are looking for is right there.

turntechGodhead, online.

You take back at least a fourth of the shit talk you’ve given Paradox Space. Only a fourth though, maybe a little less. Whatever, metaphorical quarters don’t matter right now!

_ Dave is online_.

You type out a message and hit send.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Karkat muse is cold and unforgiving.


	3. SolluxQuest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning for Inappropriate Jokes made by Underaged Characters, nothing too outside of canon but y’all might appreciate the heads up.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]

CG: DAVE

CG: PLEASE TELL ME YOU REMEMBER SBURB

CG: DAVE ARE YOU THERE?

CG: DAVE IF YOU DONT REMEMBER I AM GOING TO MARCH OVER THERE AND

CG: SHIT JUST

CG: DAVE I KNOW YOUR ONLINE

CG: ANSWER YOU NOOKSTAIN

TG: how did you type that out so fast

CG: THE UNDYING RAGE THAT COURSES THROUGH MY VEINS HAS FINALLY PHYSICALLY MANIFESTED AS AN EXTRA SET OF HANDS SO THAT I MAY LAUNCH MY SCORN INTO THE DEPTHS OF YOUR THINKPAN AT TWICE THE SPEED

CG: I WAS WORRIED SHITGLOBES

TG: aww karkat

TG: i knew you cared about me somewhere in there

CG: DAVE WE HAVE BEEN DATING FOR MONTHS

TG: wow has it really been that long

TG: it still feels like yesterday we were arguing over the penis ouija

CG: WHY WOULD YOU REMIND ME OF THAT

CG: IM TRYING TO EXPRESS CONCERN FOR YOUR WELLBEING

CG: AND HERE YOU ARE BRINGING UP THE PENIS OUIJA

CG: I AM LITERALLY THIS CLOSE TO FLIPPING MY SHIT DAVE. MY SHIT IS ABOUT TO DO A PIROUETTE OFF THE FUCKING HANDLE INTO THE GREAT DARK ABYSS THAT IS YOUR EMOTIONAL AWARENESS

TG: well fuck dude

TG: sorry

CG: ITS FINE

CG: IM JUST

CG: FRUSTRATED

TG: whats wrong

CG: MY ENTIRE BODY IS WHATS WRONG DAVE

TG: that sounds like shit but doesnt clear anything up

TG: like at all

CG: I WOKE UP MISSING SOME VERY KEY FEATURES OF MY BEING

CG: AND BY SOME I MEAN ALL OF THEM

CG: I WOKE UP AS A HUMAN DAVE

CG: IT WAS DISGUSTING

TG: whoa wait youre a human now?

CG: NO

CG: I CHANGED BACK INTO A TROLL FOR SOME REASON THAT I HAVE YET TO UNDERSTAND

CG: WHICH IS A PROBLEM BECAUSE MY HUMAN LUSUS IS EXPECTING ME FOR “BREAKFAST” DOWNSTAIRS IN THE NEXT HOUR

CG: AND ALSO MY GILLS FEEL LIKE IVE BEEN WALKING THROUGH A DESERT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY FOR A WEEK STRAIGHT

TG: ouch

CG: IM STALLING THE INEVITABLE BY HIDING IN THE ABLUTION TRAP

TG: so your texting me naked

CG: I HAVE BOXERS ON. TRY TO WITHHOLD YOUR FANTASIES.

TG: im trying my best but these fantasies are too strong for my spindly noodle arms to hold

TG: the champion wrestler of fantasies

TG: hulk hogan has nothing on these

TG: besides

TG: im not the one with soggy boxers

TG: insert saucy wink here

CG: THATS GROSS DAVE

TG: thanks

TG: but all dicking around aside

TG: im glad your here

TG: honestly

TG: i dont know what i would have done if you werent

TG: just

TG: fuck man

CG: IM GLAD YOUR HERE TOO <3

TG: <3

TG: ok

TG: my shit has been calmed

CG: THAT SOUNDS LIKE A LIE BUT GO ON

TG: shh

TG: anyway

TG: my shit has been calmed

TG: time to get serious

TG: because from the sound of it we both have a pretty colossal fucking issue

CG: BOTH?

TG: yeah

TG: you remember davesprite?

CG: YES?

TG: i will take that question mark as sarcasm and not you questioning your memory

TG: which i would totally understand if you were because ow my head

CG: MY MEMORY OF THE OTHER YOU IS FULLY INTACT DESPITE THE MIGRAINE TRYING TO BREAK ITSELF OUT OF MY SKULL.

CG: WHAT DOES HE HAVE TO DO WITH YOUR SITUATION?

TG: you remember his sick wings?

CG: OH MY GOD DAVE

CG: ARE YOU TELLING ME YOU ARE PART FEATHERBEAST RIGHT NOW?

TG: yes

TG: and let me tell you

TG: humans were not designed to have wings

TG: like at all

TG: i have 200 new muscles that i know shit all about how to use

TG: its like someone super glued two giant chicken nuggets to my back

TG: dirk had to drag my ass out of bed

CG: WHO THE FUCK IS DIRK?

TG: post scratch bro

TG: hes pretty chill

CG: OH

CG: IF YOU SAY SO

CG: WAIT A FUCKING SECOND

CG: IT SEEMS THAT I HAVE FORGOTTEN TO ASK SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT LIKE THE DUMBASS I AM

TG: your not a dumbass karkat

CG: THANK YOU FOR YOUR OPINION

CG: IT IS APPRECIATED

CG: DESPITE THE FACT THAT I TOTALLY AM

CG: THE AUTHENTICITY OF MY DUMBASSNESS IS UNIMPORTANT AT THIS POINT IN TIME

CG: DAVE

CG: WHO ARE YOU LIVING WITH RIGHT NOW?

===>

You are now someone who most definitely has his shit together. Seriously. You stopped having a bitch fit half an hour ago. Your name is Sollux Captor, and you are busy doing something actually productive. 

Yes, you may look like some loser of a human being right now but thanks to the power of internal psionics you know it’s just an outer covering. Like the world's most elaborate Halloween costume. What? You know what Halloween is, all that time with the human ghosts in the Dream Bubbles had to be good for something.

But yeah, the human look you’re rocking right now is the least of your concerns. The fact you have your vision and your lisp back is slightly higher on that list but there’s probably an explanation for that too. No, you’re concerned with one thing right now. Well, two really but AA isn’t online yet on either chat-site so you’re occupying your time with another thought.

Where the hell did these wings come from?_ (And why do you feel like the second person to ask that?) _

You are pretty fucking sure that you didn’t have these sparkly yellow shits attached to your back when the Green Sun was collapsing. And you definitely don’t remember reaching God Tier at any point in time, but it’s looking like the best explanation. You’ve got your sight, your lisp (you didn’t really want that back, but whatever), and a brand new fairy cosplay going on. Oh, and the voices of the damned are whispering in your ears again, the assholes. Still, all signs point to newfound deity status. 

It’s probably more weird game shit but you’d like to know what the fuck is going on right now, thank you very much.

Your not going to stand there and bitch about it though, no, that’s something KK would do. You’re going to get answers, starting with asking AA. Or well, you would be, if she would actually _ get online _. You’ve been awake for at least an hour, same with the rest of the losers on Trollian right now and Aradia is probably no different.

At least, you hope she is. 

You wouldn’t put it past the Game to give out one final Fuck You to its players, but it’s usually pretty consistent in its actions. In its own weird fucked up way. Still, if most of the people on Trollian right now remember, which they should since apparently Trollian doesn’t exist on this planet, then AA should too. 

She’s taking fucking forever though. If she doesn’t hurry up you are going to run all the way out of this hiv- house and kick her door down. Or knock on it politely, considering the memory you just got of Aradia’s terrifying Custodian. 

You knew the Handmaid was terrifying, but _ agh. _

Yeah no, you’ll knock politely or get knocked into _ space. _

Assuming you go anyway, it’s the middle of the fucking day outside, a bit before noon actually but the suns out so it doesn’t matter, and seven sweeps of being wary of sunlight doesn’t go away in under twenty four hours. It’s not like it’ll hurt you beyond giving your human self a light sunburn if you stay out too long, but that’s not really the point. But well, AA is taking a long time. And you’re not really in the mood to wait another two hours. But she might end up online while you’re outside. Do you really want to go out there for nothing? Yeah, you didn’t think so, your better off inside.

Still.

What if something’s wrong?

You’re halfway down the stairs, wings tucked into your back like you’re some weird putty man, before that thought is even finished. Damn you Pale concern. She’s probably fine anyway, she’s Aradia Megido for fucks sake.

Then again, being Aradia Megido couldn’t save her from you. 

Maybe going over is a bad idea.

You falter at the doorway to the great outdoors. What were you thinking, Aradia doesn’t need your help. She never did. It’s best you just turn around an-

“Sollux, is that you down there?” A voice lisps from upstairs. Fuck, while you were worrying about AA’s Human-Lusus you forgot about yours.

You can hear his footsteps creaking from his block upstairs, getting ready to come down.

Adult or Aradia? 

Aradia or Adult?

Yeah no, that’s an easy one. 

You run out of your hive like a hoofbeast on fire. Hoodie pulled over your head, protecting you from the suns menacing rays of death. Or mild inconvenience. Whatever comes first.

Your new location of residence is one of those overly cheerful subgrubs that you saw in Egbert’s Dream Bubbles. There’s hives in every direction, a far cry from your old communal hive complex, and there’s people too. Human wrigglers and adults everywhere. Going outside was definitely a bad idea but by gog are you committing to your shit decisions.

You jog by faster, neighborly folk giving you side glances, apparently they’re not used to seeing you outside. What jerks. You can take a walk if you want to. It’s almost as bad as your old neighbors, with all their judgmental assholiness stuck in one big building, but you didn’t really interact with them. 

Or with your new neighbors for that matter.

God, you’re such a shut-in. Not that you’re going to change that, but these fuckers have no right to judge. Whatever, it’s not like it really matters does it Captor? Who cares what a couple of old ladies you barely know think? Not you, that’s who.

Just keep walking and don’t stop, you think, right before you stop. 

Is that who you think it is? Wait, there doesn’t need to be an answer because _ of fucking course it’s him. _Hipster glasses, dumb scarf, stupid gelled hair? Yes, that’s definitely Eridan Ampora, sir douchefish himself in human form. And he’s walking in your direction.

Fuck.

He hasn’t noticed you yet and quite frankly, fuck him, you don’t care if this Eridan is innocent of Troll Eridans bullshit. You’re not dealing with _ any _version of ED today. You are going to march right past him with all the stealth in your body. Fuck Off Shield full blast, so strong some lady’s minerature woofbeast scarpers off in fear two houses over.

You are going to avoid the shit out of this asshole.

“Sol?” Damn it, “What are you doin’ out of your room?”

“None of your fucking business that’s what,” You spit. He looks surprised and taken aback, Human You wasn’t such a dick but you don’t feel that bad about it.

“Well someone had somethin’ crawl up their ass this mornin’,” He retorts, “What’s wrong with you?”

“Nothing, dickweed, I’m a ray of fucking moonshine,” You snap, gog, will he just fuck off.

“Moonshine? Sol, what the fuck?”

“You heard me, now move over,” You try to walk past him but he steps into your path like the pushy bastard he is.

“Not until you tell me what’s goin’ on,” He says, as if _ he _has any right to concern over your well being. 

“I need to get to AA’s house you fuck, now move.”

“Ara? Is somethin’ wrong with her?” He looks worried, as if he cares about a _ lowwblood _ like her. Wait no, he’s human, they’ve got no hemospectrum and weird ideas about _ friendship. _He probably does fucking care, shit.

“_ No, _ ” You emphasize, “I just need to go talk to her now _ leave. _”

You push him aside with the help of your psionics, not to much obviously, but enough to help your spindly human body actually be useful. You jog away faster, ignoring him calling out after you. He’ll be annoying about it later but you can block him on PesterChum if necessary. And it will be necessary with him being the drama queen he is.

That’s a problem for future you.

Current you has a completely separate problem from that one, seeing as you just arrived at the Megido household. What exactly do you say to Aradia’s scary Human-Lusus? Maybe you can avoid her. Just walk in. It’s not that weird Captor, just walk up to the door and open it. Just hope it’s not locked, and that you don’t have to break and enter. 

Yeah, good plan just walk up and- FUCK!!

The door swings open to show Hannah Megido in all her glory. Her terrifying red gaze lands straight onto your _ soul. _ Being human was supposed to make her _ less _terrifying!

_ THIS IS NOT LESS TERRIFYING. _

“Uhm, hi Ms. Megido,” You greet, fuck you sound like Tavros. 

She lifts an eyebrow imperiously, eyeing you like you’re her next meal and is unimpressed with what she sees. Hell, if she was still a Troll you probably _ would _be her next meal. Fuck you brain you didn’t need that mental image. Put on your fucking brave face Captor, she can smell fear, “Is Aradia home?”

She nods. 

“Can I come in?”

She steps out of the doorway, you take that as an invitation. Her eyes never leave you the entire time you’re walking inside, not even when you head for the staircase. Hell, you can feel her watching you as you walk through the upstairs hall!

_ What the fuck?!?! _

That’s it, today is officially the worst. First the game throws some left field hoofbeast shit at you, then you have to go outside, then you saw _him_, and now this! What next? Really what next world?! Just go ahead and throw it at you!

You push open the door to AA’s respiteblock. 

There are two of her.

_ Of fucking course. _

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn’t want to post this yet but might as well


	4. Harley Manor (Or Half I Suppose)

Despite all previous indications that you will now be someone else you are still Sollux Captor. And by gog are you confused.

What did you just walk into? No really, you knew AA was probably busy, but you figured she was just trying to get her shit together after the exposition fairy dropped eight sweeps worth of knowledge into her thinkpan. Not, whatever the hell this is!

“AA, what the flying fuck?” You ask as eloquently as possible.

“Oh, hello Sollux,” They both say at the same time, like in that one horror movie that you can’t be bothered to remember the name of right now, “I was expecting you.”

“That’s one of the creepiest fucking things you’ve ever said to me, and you’ve said a lot of creepy shit.”

She just smiles, then the one on the left begins to talk, “I know, seeing as technically I’ve already experienced this once. Speaking of, Aradia?”

“Yes Aradia?” The one on the right responds.

“I believe it’s time for you to get going, don’t forget the ring!”

“I won’t!” The right Aradia nods and shifts back into her Troll form, Godtier and all. Then she disappears in a red cog and a burst of music.

Wow, two hours in and AA is already starting shit. You would say it’s a new record but it’s really, really not. You’ll excuse it though, you’d rather her be starting shit than, well, not being here. Now if only you knew what the fuck she was doing, “AA, what the hell are you doing right now?”

“Oh nothing big, don’t worry!” She placates, “I’m just returning something that belongs to a friend of ours.”

“Which friend? Wait, why do you need to time travel to return something, that seems pretty fucking excessive.”

“Maybe, but it’s important. And I’d need to be in the future anyway, so two featherbeasts with one stone!” She explains, “Don’t stress over it too much alright? It’ll be fine!”

Oh, you can just feel the universes sick sense of irony kicking in, “Somehow, you saying that does not reassure me.”

“I know but it was worth a shot.”

“Well thanks for trying anyway.”

“You’re welcome!” She cheers and grabs your sleeve, then turns around and drags you over to the impromptu pile she has set up next to her bed, “Here, come sit down. You’re going to be here for a while.”

She sits on the pile and pats the place next to her, you sit and watch as she pulls out her Crosbytop and opens it to Trollian. Wow, there are a lot more people online now. And by a lot you mean basically everyone except whoever the fuck UU is and Egbert, wow, you figured he’d be one of the first online. You’re curious but it’s not really any of your business what that loser does, you’ll leave that to KK.

A memo springs open across Aradia’s screen, interrupting your peering.

tentacleTherapist [TT] opened memo on board Please read for further explanation.

Huh.

Alright then.

===>

You will have to hold back on reading that memo however, as at this moment it seems you are now someone who has not quite received that memo yet. This is most likely because of the fact that you are currently existing hours before it’s conception. In fact, if you look at the clock right now you can see that it’s ten-twenty-five in the morning.

But you are not looking at the clock right now, in fact you are looking for a hat. Preferably a comfy one. Not that you want to wear a hat at all, but…

Well…

There’s not really any other way to hide dog ears except to cover them up.

Yes, as promised earlier, you are now Jade Harley. Again. And even though you aren’t as excited as you were earlier, you’re still pretty happy! And why wouldn’t you be? After all, your Grandpa is alive!

And you don’t live on that island anymore, you’ll miss it but you’d rather not be isolated like that again. Not that you would have been anyway, since you can teleport! Or wait, can you still teleport?

Eh, you’ll figure that out later.

Still, even if you couldn’t teleport you wouldn’t be alone because of Grandpa! Both of him actually, because apparently Post-Scratch him is now your brother. Somehow. You’ll toss it up to more weird time-space shenanigans.

Speaking of Post-Scratch Grandpa, or Jake? Yes Jake. He’s helping you look for a hat to wear in his room, which is very nice of him! He’s very nice in general, even if he talks kind of weird. Who says gadzooks anymore anyway?

But whatever, it’s no big deal. What is a big deal though is how you’re going to explain these ears, you best get back to your hat search. Not that you’re having much luck on your end, all you can find are old shirts and some weird animal plushies your memories tell you are from Rose’s mom. Both of her.

Maybe you should go check on Jake, he might have had more luck. You walk out into the hall of a house you’re still a bit unfamiliar with, even with the info dump. Other You moved here three years ago from a town called Hauntswitch, and before that you lived on the island. The Other You moved from there when you were five so you don’t remember much about this world’s version of it.

There was _definitely_ something different about the island though, you just can’t put your finger on it.

You’ll have to figure it out later though, you’re finally at Jakes room.

Which is empty.

You look around his room, dodging the multitude of clothes and mechanical parts littering the floor as you walk in. But there’s no sign of him anywhere. Where did he go?

Maybe he’s downstairs, you think, since you didn’t find him up here. Hopefully he didn’t trip, the stairs are kind of..._intimidating_. Built like they came out of a Victorian Era mansion, needlessly tall and decadent.

You’re sure Dave would enjoy them. For ironic purposes.

Speaking of, or well, thinking of Dave. You wonder if he’s alright, you didn’t really get to see much of him at the end of the Game. Sure you got to chat a bit on the platform but you haven’t really had the chance to catch up. You should message him.

Right after you find Jake of course!

Who you seem to be having a hard time finding. Maybe you should just cheat using Space powers? Yeah. You should just cheat.

You use your powers to sense the area around you. Which, wow, that’s a lot! Your Grandpa sure likes to collect some strange things! But putting all of that aside, you sense Jake in the living room. Very easily too, seeing as he’s the only other human in the house. Or living thing in general (except bugs, but those don’t really count), it’s weird not having a dog.

You wonder where Grandpa went, all he told you before leaving was that he had something to do at work that would take a few days.

Actually, where does Grandpa work?

Hmm, you’ll have to ask him.

But that will have to happen later, right now you’re on a mission! A mission to get to the living room, but a mission nonetheless. Unfortunately, this house is ridiculously huge, and it doesn’t have any transportalizers. You would teleport, but again, you’re not sure if you still can right at this moment. Plus, you might break something with all the Space Lightning. Or would it be Green Sun Lighting? Actually, why would _sun_ powers give you lightning at all? You’ve never really thought about it but that’s kinda weird.

It could have something to do with energy transfer? Maybe? You’ll look into it later. Right now you’re just distracting yourself Harley, stay on topic!

You. Need. To. Find. Jake.

That is all you have to do Jade, you got this! You just have to make it to the living room, one foot in front of the other.

One.

Two.

One.

Two.

One.

Two.

On-ow! It seems that in your quest to get to the living room you forgot to check for walls. It didn’t hurt that bad, but now your nose stings. Ouch.

But hey! You made it to the living room, mission completed! Well, almost completed, you do need to step into the living room after all. And get Jake. Mission _almost_ completed!

You walk a bit to the left where the archway into the living room is, taking a peek inside. Why would Jake even be in here? Did he, or well the Other Him, leave a hat? What could he possibly be doi-

Oh.

You find him standing in the center of the room, staring up at the large frame hanging above the fireplace. It is a family photo. Your family photo, surrounded by many others containing people you’ve never met. But you know the people in the main portrait. It’s you, Jake, and your Grandpa.

And your Pop.

Thinking about your Pop is strange, after all, you never had a father in your first world. And you doubt Jake did either, seeing as he calls you Grandma, but never really talks about his parents. It’s something of an anomaly really, maybe your Grandpa had other kids that you never knew about, ones that didn’t fall from the sky. It’s not like he could have ever told you about them.

But that doesn’t really matter now, it’s not like you can go back and ask. Or maybe you could, but it would probably cause a doomed timeline or something. Whatever, think about that later. Or never again. That sounds good.

It’s time to think about Jake. Who is probably having a crisis right now, considering how long he’s been staring at that painting. You should go check on him, to make sure he’s not being overwhelmed. All this new memories nonsense is, well, a whole lot to take in.

You walk up and tap his shoulder, “Hey Jake?”

He jumps a foot in the air, literally, “Oh Goodness!”

Oops, guess you were too quiet. He turns around, still in the air, and relaxes seeing that it’s only you, “Oh heavens Jade, you scared the dickens out of me!”

“_Heh_, sorry Jake!” You giggle, really, the way he talks is just so silly!

“It’s fine, it’s my own fault for being so bloody distracted,” He concedes while landing, “What are you doing down here anyway?”

“Looking for you, silly, you weren’t in your room!”

“Hmm? Oh, consarn it, that’s right!” He realizes, “I was supposed to be helping you look for a hat wasn’t I?”

“Yep, but it’s fine! You look a bit preoccupied right now,” You gesture to the portrait. Jakes face scrunches up a bit, somewhat disconcerted with being caught in this situation. Whatever the situation is.

“Erm, yes I suppose you could say I’m a bit befuddled right now,” He admits, “It’s just...Pop.”

Oh. You see now.

“Yeah, it’s kind of weird to have had a dad isn’t it?” You ponder, feeling a brief pinch of sadness.

He nods, expression falling a bit, “Well yes, but...that’s not quite what I was thinking about.”

He turns back towards the fireplace and walks over to the wall. He looks melancholy now, and grabs one of the photos hanging onto the wall. It’s a picture of you and Jake as toddlers, being held up by your Pop. He continues, “I find that I’m a bit overwhelmed by all of these newfangled memories. I get that it may not be the same for you seeing as this is your Grandpa and all, even if he is technically me, but now I recall growing up with people of whom I never met. It’s all just a tad bit much.”

Huh, you guess you didn’t really think about that. Sure, the Pop thing is giving you a headache, but at least you have someone familiar to you. Jake...doesn’t really have that. Plus…

“It’s weird missing someone you’ve never even met, isn’t it?” You question.

Jake looks caught off guard before he answers, “Ah, yes, that would be my biggest hang up, I suppose.”

You nod, and walk to the couch to take a seat, this conversation might take a minute,“I think I get a bit of what you mean. You’re right when you said it’s different for me though.”

“Agh, my apologies, I didn’t mean to be crass-“

“Oh no it’s fine! It didn’t sound rude at all! If anything I should be apologizing for not realizing how hard this would be for you!”

“There’s no reason to apologize at all, it’s completely understandable that you would be caught u-“

_Ping_.

You both freeze as a notification pops up on your glasses.

tentacleTherapist [TT] opened memo on board Please read for further explanation.

“We should probably answer that,” You say after a long moment of silence. You two got a bit carried away there.

“Indeed,” Jake agrees.

“Yeah.”

“Quite.”

“I’m still sorry though.”

“About what? There’s nothing you’ve done wrong.”

“Well, actually there’s quite a bit,” You confess, thinking back to the time where you were under Her Royal Fish Bitches command. Ugh, thinking about her makes your skin crawl, “But that doesn’t really have anything to do with this conversation.”

“Ah,” Is all he says to that, he looks around awkwardly. Oops.

“Uhm, yeah, let’s just forget I said that actually,” You rush to fix this, “It’s _really_ not important right now.”

“If you say so,” He relents, “We should really get to that memo.”

“O-oh, yes!” You almost forgot about that. Another oops.

You both enter the memo.

===>

tentacleTherapist [TT] opened memo on board Please read for further explanation.

TT: I believe that we all have much to discuss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s school time, so updates may take a bit longer.


	5. A Civil Discussion, and What it is Not

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning for some implied self harm, not intentional and there’s a tag for it but just in case.

tentacleTherapist [TT] opened memo on board Please read for further explanation.

TT: I believe that we all have much to discuss.

tipsyGnostalgic [TG]  has joined the memo  
grimAuxiliatrix [GA]  has joined the memo  
timaeusTestified [TT]  has joined the memo

TT: That is a major understatement.

apocalypseArisen [AA]  has joined the memo  
twinArmageddons [TA] has joined the memo

TA: iill 2ay

GA: Yes Quite.

gutsyGumshoe [GG]  has joined the memo

GG: Agreed.

TG: i secornd that agreement!

arachnidsGrip [AG]  has joined the memo

AG: Is anyone going to actually say something or are we all just going to stand around here like a 8unch of mooks????????

gallowsCalibrator [GC]  has joined the memo

GC: MOOKS

GG: Mooks.

TG: mooks

TT: Mooks.

TA: mook2

AA: mooks :)

TT: Mooks.

GA: Mooks.

AG: Wow.

AG: You aaaaaaaall fucking suck!

TT: Speaking of all of us, it seems we are missing a few of our number.

TT: Would anyone care to inform me of their whereabouts?

TT: Dave and the grey guy will respond in a second.

TT: They’re busy.

TG: ominous

GC: WH4T COULD POSS1BLY B3 MOR3 1MPORT4NT R1GHT NOW >:?

TT: No clue, but Dave seems pretty distressed about it.

TT: Hmm. That is troubling.

TT: Yeah, I’d ask but he seems pretty preoccupied with whatever they’re talking about.

TT: I suppose I will have to save my inquiries for when Dave and Karkat deign to join us.

TT: Karkat is the grey guy right?

GA: Yes.

TT: Cool.

AG: Those two are having a lovers quarrel, 8ig whoop. Where’s John????????

GG: John will be here momentarily. It seems our other selves were involved in a rather lively prank war and he is currently dealing with the consequences.

GG: Washing fifty ounces of cake icing out of one’s hair takes a good minute.

GC: H3H3H3H3H3H N1C3

TG: i dunno were callie is sry :(

TT: Do not worry, mother of mine. I have foreseen Calliope’s eventual presence among us, though the when and where is unclear.

TG: :D yessssssssss!!!!!!!!!

TT: I told you she was fine.

TG: shussh you were worried to

TT: Roxy, my image.

TT: Now everyone will know I’m not an stone cold bro with a heart of literal fuckin’ ice.

TG: evryone already knew that dirky

TT: Well shit.

gardenGnostic [GG]  has joined the memo

GG: sorry im late!!!!

golgothasTerror [GT]  has joined the memo

GT: We got a bit held up!

TT: That is quite alright, you are far from the last online.

GG: oh

GG: thats good i guess

GG: where is john anyway??

GC: H3S BUSY T4ST1NG SW33T SW33T D3F34T

GT: Pardon?

AG: Don't worry a8out it English.

GT: Er its harley now actually.

GT: At least according to my other selfs memories.

GT: Not that it is important right at this moment.

TT: Wait seriously?

GT: Ah erm yes.

GT: Apparently a lack of *cough* certain nefarious folk has caused my previous designation to become rather pointless.

TT: Huh. Makes about much sense as everything else. Or more sense actually.

TT: What the fuck is going on right now anyway?

TT: Well, while I cannot be precisely certain as to the nature of the world we seem to have landed it, I can at least offer my speculation in an attempt to solve this conundrum. After John Egbert opened the End Game Door into the new world we all awakened here as if it were a dream. Perhaps if it were just one of us then it would be considered simply that, however the multiple chat handles now registered to my, and presumably all of your computers tells me that we have not all collectively had a mass hallucination and are instead dwelling on what we have come to know as Earth C.

TT: I am unsure as to why we have awakened in the manner that we did, or why certain appearances have been...

TT: Altered.

TT: This is all I know for certain on our current situation. Unfortunately.

AA: would you care if i shed some light onto the situation

TA: wa2 that a fuckiing pun

AA: :D

TT: Witticism of my title aside, I would most certainly hand you the spotlight.

AG: 8oooooooo.

GG: rose!!!

TT: Apologies. I could not help myself.

turntechGodhead [TG]  has joined the memo  
carcinoGeneticist [CG]  has joined the memo

TG: what did i miss

TG: rosie made a bad joke and john is fuckin ded ((but not rly))

TG: so everything then

GC: TH4TS WH4T H4PP3NS WH3N YOUR3 L4T3 COOLK1D

TG: ill have you know that i am fashionably late thank you very much

GA: Absolutely Nothing About You Is Fashionable.

TG: harsh

GA: Apologies But I Saw An Opportunity And I Took It.

TG: nah its fine

CG: AND TRUE.

TG: rude

AG: 8lah 8lah, we’re glad you're here 8lah. It’s time for everyone to shut the fuck up now and let Aradia explain!!!!!!!!

TA: ii bet iit fuckiing hurt to 2ay that

AG: Do you want to get punched????????

TA: do you want to get launched iinto the 2un?

GA: I Believe That You Just Told Everyone To “Shut The Fuck Up Now” And That Does Include You Vriska.

AG: He started it!!!!!!!!

GA: And I Am Finishing It.

TG: ultimate mom move right there

TA: heh heh

GA: This Goes For You As Well Sollux.

TA: oh 2hiit

GA: Indeed. Aradia Would You Care To Go On?

AA: sure!

AA: like rose said our forms have been altered

AA: but not entirely as some of us have already figured out o_o

AA: while i dont know the reason why i do know that we are still trolls!!!

AA: its like going god tier

AA: you have to pull a magical muscle and switch from your boring self to your less boring self

AG: Are you calling me 8oring?

AA: yes

AA: anyway all you have to do is pull that muscle and you can go back and forth between the two

AA: this goes for jade rose and dave too

TG: wait really

AA: really

TG: sweet

AG: Seriously???????? I thought I was stuck as some shitty human 8ut that’s all it took????????

AG: W8, why the fuck would that apply to Strider and Lalonde?

AG: I get Harley 8ecause of the 8ark8east ears thing, 8ut those two?

TG: well i cant speak for rose but right now im sporting a pair of sick orange wings courtesy of davesprite

TG: davepetasprite

TG: whoever the fuck

GG: really??? :O

TG: hell yeah

TG: theyre pretty damn hard to move though

TG: like someone strapped two professional bodybuilders to my back and said i had to run fifty miles with them

TG: jokes on the someone

TG: i just found the scissors and am about to cut these bitches right off

TG: the bodybuilders

TG: not the wings

CG: I WAS ABOUT TO SAY

TG: dont worry karkles this coolkid knows his safety rules

CG: THAT'S NOT WHAT I WAS WORRIED ABOUT BUT WHATEVER

CG: YOU'RE JUST GOING TO DODGE THE PROBLEM

CG: AGAIN.

TG: i keep telling you its not a problem

GC: WH4TS NOT 4 PROBL3M??

TG: nothing

CG: NOTHING MY BULGE

CG: YOUR CONTINUED PRESENCE IN THAT HIVE COMPLEX IS A PROBLEM IN ITSELF

CG: NEVER MIND THE FIFTY OTHER PROBLEMS THAT COME WITH IT

TG: karkat its fine

TG: this version of him isnt a complete dick

CG: AGAIN YOU MISS THE POINT BY AN ENTIRE DAMN UNIVERSE

CG: IT'S NOT ABOUT IF HE'S A DICK OR NOT

CG: HE STILL HAS THAT HOOFBEAST FUCKERS FACE ON HIM

CG: WITH THE SAME DUMBASS PUPPETS

CG: AND NAME

CG: ITS HIM WHETHER YOU ADMIT THAT TO YOURSELF OR NOT AND THAT'S NOT GOOD

CG: IT'S IN AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT STAR SYSTEM FROM GOOD

TT: If I may insert my curiosity into this pontification.

CG: GO AHEAD.

TT: Would this be about Bro?

TG: maybe fucking so lalonde

TT: Wait is that what you and Karkat have been arguing about for the past ten minutes?

TT: Bro?

CG: I DON'T KNOW IF YOU HAVE HEARD ABOUT THIS PERSON WHO IS PROBABLY THE OTHER STRIDER

CG: BUT PRE-SCRATCH YOU WAS AN ASSHOLE OF PREVIOUSLY UNSEEN DEPTHS

TT: Oh no, I’m fully fucking aware of that.

TT: Dave and I had this conversation right before things went Jack Shit.

TT: I just didn’t realize what that entirely meant until right now.

TT: Dave.

TG: if one more person asks if im ok with living in the same house as bro im going to flip the fuck out

GC: FORG1V3 US FOR G1V1NG 4 SH1T 4BOUT YOUR W3LL B31NG

GC: S1NC3 YOU OBV1OUSLY DONT

TG: oh i have plenty of shits to give

TG: just not about this

TG: yall are all making a mountain out of a fucking molehill

GC: 1 H4V3 NO 1D34 WH4T TH4T M34NS

TT: It means to make a considerable deal out of something minuscule. An incorrect idiom for this particular situation seeing as it is most certainly something that cannot be considered insignificant by any definition.

TG: and here i go

TG: see this

TG: this is me about to flip the fuck out

TT: I do not believe I questioned your current housemates and therefore the perimeters required for you to “flip the fuck out” have not yet been met.

TG: fuck you caught me

GG: wait what about bro????

TG: oh yeah i havent had time to tell you about that yet

TG: so while we were out dicking around in the vast expanse of space on a fucking death meteor

TG: i

TG: may have come to the revelation that bro was an abusive piece of shit

GG: oh no!!!!!!

GG: wait

GG: arent you living with him right now?????

GG: dave are you okay??????

TG: oh jegus not you too harley

GG: D:

TG: yes jade im fine

TG: the bro in this world isnt a complete sack of shit

TG: ill be fine

GG: still, if you ever feel uncomfortable at your place feel free to come over!!!!

TG: thanks

TG: can we move on now

CG: I’D SAY WE’RE NOT DONE WITH THIS BUT YOU ARE JUST GOING TO BITCH ABOUT IT IF WE CONTINUE RIGHT NOW

CG: BUT THIS ISN'T OVER

TG: wonderful

TT: You cannot ignore your issues forever, Dave.

TG: is that a challenge

ectoBiologist [EB]  has joined the memo

EB: is what a challenge?

CG: LOOK WHAT FUCKWIT FINALLY DECIDED TO GRACE US WITH HIS PRESENCE

EB: hey i was busy!

EB: do you know how hard it is to get icing out of your hair?

CG: NO, AND I HAVE NO DESIRE TO LEARN.

GG: I’m terribly sorry about that John! I didn’t mean to keep you from such an important conversation.

EB: don’t worry about it!

EB: other you didn’t know.

GG: Still.

AG: He said don’t worry a8out it Crocker, so shut up.

GG: >:B

AG: :::;)

AG: Hiiiiiiii Joooooooohn!!!!!!!!

EB: hi vriska!

EB: it’s nice to see you!

EB: or read your text i guess.

EB: even if that was kind of rude.

AG: Crocker is a 8ig girl, she’ll get over it.

GG: I’m still right here you know.

AG: Oh I know.

GT: Oh golly gosh.

GT: Id hate to interrupt you ladies but perhaps you should refrain from fighting in the memo?

CG: ENGLISH HAS A POINT.

GT: Harley actually.

CG: I LITERALLY GIVE LESS THAN TWO SHITS BUT OK.

TA: no let them contiinue

TA: ii want to 2ee VK2 a22 get kiicked

AG: What makes you think I’d lose?

TA: what make2 you thiink youd wiin?

AG: Why don't you come put your money where your chagrin tunnel is, Captor????????

AA: please stop flirting in the memo

TA: AA what the FUCK

AG: That’s fucking disgusting!!!!!!!!

GC: H3H H3H

AG: I’d 8e pitch for Makara 8efore I ever even considered 8ee Fucker!!!!!!!!

TA: iid 2ay the 2ame for you but iid never even con2iider fuckiing a clown

CG: SPEAKING OF CLOWNS.

TG: nevr a good thing

CG: WHERE THE FUCK IS GAMZEE?

TG: yeah do we have to keep one eye open for the murder clown

TG: am i going to wake up in the middle of the night to a faint honking in the distance

TG: look out my window and there he is

TG: gummy maraca serial killer extraordinaire

CG: DAVE

TG: am i wrong

CG: NO BUT YOU SHOULDN'T SAY IT.

TG: fair point

GA: Please Refrain From Making Light Of His Actions.

TT: What did this Maraca guy even do?

GA: Gamzee Makara Murdered Some Dear Friends Of Ours And Then Desecrated Their Corpses.

TA: you diid that two KN

GA: Yes But They Deserved It.

GA: Besides, His Actions Were Far Worse In Comparison.

GA: I Would Prefer To Not Bring Up Unfortunate Memories.

TT: That is likely for the best. Such topics should be discussed in private, or at least on a separate memo.

CG: MY QUESTION WAS NEVER ACTUALLY ANSWERED YOU KNOW.

GC: 1 C4N 4SSUR3 YOU TH4T TH3 PURPL3 W4ST3 OF F4C3 P41NT W1LL NOT B3 JO1N1NG US 4NYT1M3 SOON

GC: H1S M3MOR13S D1D NOT R3TURN UPON OUR 3NTRY 1NTO 34RTH C

GC: 4 CONS3QU3NC3 OF H1S N4TUR3 4S 4 P4RT OF LORD 3NGL1SH

EB: what does that have to do with someones memories?

GC: H1S M3MOR13S W3R3 S34L3D 4W4Y W1TH L3 NUMBNUTS

EB: ohh

EB: hey!

GC: >;]

TG: i guess everyones just flirtin in the memo today

EB: we are not flirting!

GC: 4R3NT W3??

EB: agh!

EB: no!

TG: ((wink they totalsly are wink))

GC: ((<3<))

EB:((AAAAAAAA))

AA: ((you guys do know we can see this right))

GC: ((C4NT YOU S33 TH1S 1S 4 PR1V4T3 CONV3RS4T1ON))

AA: ((OuO))

GG: OH GOODNESS!

TT: It's just pitch flirting Crocker, it’s not that promiscuous.

EB: it is not flirting!

GG: NOT THAT!

GG: WE HAVE SCHOOL TOMORROW!

TG: wait rly!!!?!?

TT: I forgot that was a thing.

GG: do we actually have school? :O

GG: someone check the date!!

TG: april 11 2016

AA: april 11 2016

CG: SOMETHING ABOUT THAT SEEMS OFF.

TG: bullshit time powers do not lie

TG: were two days ahead of the cosmic fuckery for once

TT: Well that’s not suspicious as fuck is it.

GT: Verily.

TA: yeah yeah omiinou2 forebodiing doom

TA: ii can hear iit from a miile away

TA: ((not really))

TA: iim more concerned about the 2CHOOL FEEDIING

TG: i knw right?

TG: have any of us even gone to school????

GG: I have.

EB: me too!

GA: Does Compulsory Jade Blood School Feeding Count?

AA: in this case no

GA: How Unfortunate.

GT: That would be a negative in my case.

GG: im pretty sure none of us have gone to school except those two :(

TT: I was home schooled by my Mother.

TG: im with lalonde on that one

TG: minus the mom part

TG: ive never stepped foot in a school in my entire life

TG: past life anyway

TG: apparently other me was the local private school celebrity since bro and d are you know

TG: actual celebrities

GG: thats really weird to think about

TG: i know

TG: bro being famous feels so fucking wrong

GG: no i meant you being popular

GG: but other me has seen it with her own eyes, so i guess its true

TG: wow right through the heart

GG: :)

GG: the whole celebrity thing is super weird though

GG: apparently grandpa is really famous too

GG: and hes also alive which is also really weird

GG: but its a good kind of weird

CG: WELL MINES JUST A WEIRD KIND OF WEIRD THEN BECAUSE MY NEW LUSUS IS MY HUMAN ANCESTOR

CG: WHO, LET ME TELL YOU, IS JUST AS FUCKING ANNOYING AS KANKRI

GA: According To Other Me And Her Recollection Of Him, He Is Not Anywhere Near Kankri And His Level Of Insufferability.

GA: However, I Do Relate To The Experience Of Having My Human Ancestor As My Lusus And The Oddness Which Accompanies It.

AA: that goes for all of us trolls

GT: Speaking of adults.

GT: Do any of you all happen to have a clue as to where beta me has gotten off to?

TG: wat

TG: your you is missing to???

GT: Indubitably, am i to believe your “you” had vanished as well?

TG: well she dint vanish but my snrk

TG: aunt rox went on a road trip a few days ago

TG: its just me rosie and mom((!!!)) holdin down the fort

TT: Huh.

TT: Bro is gone too.

TG: yeah

CG: YOU DIDN'T MENTION THAT EARLIER SHITSACK.

TG: it didnt come up

GG: This is quite a conundrum, Dad has gone on a trip as well.

GA: Did They Say When They Would Return?

TT: I believe Mother said she would return four days from now.

EB: dad said he’d get back then too!

TG: wait dad egbert is out too

GG: Actually, it seems that our fathers are now one in the same.

EB: yeah his last name is crocker-egbert now!

EB: its super weird

TG: huh

TG: well paradoxical pops aside bro said hed be back in four days too

GC: CO1NC1D3NC3??

GC: 1 TH1NK NOT!!

TG: im pretty sure none of us thought it was a coincidence tz

GC: 1 KNOW TH4T D4V3

GC: 1 W4S H4V1NG 4 MOM3NT

AG: Well the moments over.

AG: I want to know what’s up with your human lusus’.

GT: I havent the slightest idea.

TG: maybe they wentout for som private adult shenanigans???

GG: Euphemism aside, I do not believe so.

GG: Dad seem rather reluctant to leave us behind, which makes me believe it was not some flight of fancy.

GG: yeah grandpa said it had something to do with work!!

TT: So what, all our guardians work at the same place?

TT: It is the most logical solution, though it does raise many questions.

CG: WELL DON'T LOOK AT US FOR ANSWERS, OUR HUMAN LUSII HAVEN'T GONE ANYWHERE.

CG: WE ARE STUMBLING JUST AS ASS FIRST IN THE DARK AS YOU ARE.

TG: this is all prty freaky

TG: should i keep an eye out??

TT: Go ahead, it might not be anything big but knowing us.

TG: gotcha di-stri ;)

TT: I believe we will have to settle this matter later, we have much more urgent matters to discuss. Such as our rapidly approaching educational confinement. Despite what you all may believe to be the best course of action, I’m afraid our first reunion upon Earth C soil will, regrettably, have to wait. It seems within our best interest that we spend the day recovering our other selves memories as quick and with as few complications as possible. 

TT: Something tells me we will need the advantage.

TG: and by something she means fancy magic fortune telling powers.

TT: Yes.

AA: im with rose on this one

AA: were all going to need to be in top condition for the next few days

AG: You say that like you know something.

AA: thats because i do

AA: seeing as im from the future

CG: ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT YOUR GLOBE MUNCHING ASS HAS BEEN A FUTURE YOU THIS ENTIRE TIME AND YOU DIDN'T MENTION IT UNTIL NOW?

AA: yes

CG: WHY?

AA: reasons o_o

TA: tru2t me when ii 2ay your not gettiing anymore than that out of her

CG: YOU KNEW ABOUT THIS.

TA: duh

TA: iim at her hiive right now

CG: WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY ANYTHING?

TA: ii diidnt feel like it.

CG: WOW

CG: APPARENTLY ITS “ALL OF KARKATS FRIENDS LEAVE OUT REALLY IMPORTANT INFORMATION ALL THE FUCKING TIME” DAY

TA: that2 everyday KK

CG: YOU ARE UNFORTUNATELY CORRECT

CG: NO MATTER HOW MUCH I PLATONICALLY HATE THAT FACT

TT: So let me get this straight.

TG: nothin about u is straight

TT: Don't state the obvious Roxy.

TT: Anyway.

TT: AA is from the future?

AA: time player

TT: Alright then.

AA: oh

AA: and for future reference my name is aradia

AA: dont forget it jade!!!

GG: what

apocalypseArisen [AA]  has left the memo

CG: THAT WASN'T CRYPTIC AT FUCKING ALL WAS IT.

TA: heh

TA: iill 2ee you all after “2chool” tomorrow ii gue22

twinArmageddons [TA]  has left the memo

GA: I Will See You Both Later I Suppose.

AG: They can’t see this you know.

GA: Well Unlike Some People I Like To Appreciate My Friends.

GC: YOU JUST GOT BURN3D

EB: snrk

AG: D::::<

GG: I suppose this means the memo is over?

TG: ye i think everythin was covered

AG: W8.

AG: What about Lalonde????????

EB: what about rose?

AG: Didn’t Megido say something about her during the whole “magic muscle” deal????????

TG: holy fuck youre right

TG: you thought you could pull one over us didnt you

TG: lying silent while you all got up in my business

TG: but now the shtick is up

TG: we need answers rose

TG: so spill

TT: I would rather not say.

TG: they deserve to know the truth rosie!!!!!

TT: …

TG: fien then ill tell em

TG: rosie has cat ears!!!!!

GG: WHAT :O

tentacleTherapist [TT] has closed the memo

===>

You are now someone who has no idea what is going on. Really, you’ve got no fucking clue what crawled down Sollux Captors arse today. He’s always a bitch but today just took the cake. You would ask what’s wrong with him but it seems he’s blocked you on Pesterchum preemptively.

_ What a douchebag, _ you, Eridan Ampora, think.

He’s an absolute dickwad _ (you refuse to admit that you’re worried).  _ Honestly, who gave him the right to act that way? You mean, he has the right to act however he wants. Doesn't mean he shouldn’t get off his fucking high horse.

Plus, he said he was going to Ara’s place. Which wouldn’t be that strange if they were you know,  _ actually talking to each other. _ Seriously, you didn’t know two people who spent so much time together would be so stubborn. But, well, after the  _ incident _ you wouldn’t blame them for being a bit hard headed. Honestly, if the two actually talked about what happened then maybe Sol would get his head out of his ass and stop blaming himself for what happened.

Which apparently they are doing that right now.

Talking.

_ For the first time in months. _

You would thank the heavens if you were actually certain Sol was going to the Megido’s, but apparently Ara is also absent from the internet. Or well, not absent. _Just_ _not fucking answering anyone’s messages._

Maybe her and Sol are talking, that would explain all the cold shoulders going around. Even though you’re certain you saw them on Pesterchum earlier today. That was about ten hours ago now, and no one’s heard from either of them since. Or Kar and Kan, you asked Ter where they went and all she said was  _ “TH3YR3 BUSY”  _ which could mean anything coming from her honestly.

But then she went offline to go roleplay with Vris, which no brave or foolish soul dares to interrupt, and never fully explained where they went. Now that you think about it, they probably went to check on Sol and Ara. You wouldn’t put it past one of them to call Kar and Kan in as mediators for whatever drama is going on.

Seriously, the two of them are such mother hens.

That sounds like the most likely scenario, but god, you wish someone would just tell you what’s going on. Is that too much to ask for? Is it?

Apparently so, seeing as no divine force has descended from the heavens to deliver you an answer. Which was a bit much to ask for anyway but the least the world could have done was have someone answer your messages. Alas, it was not to be.

You sigh and give up, it’s getting late anyway and you have school tomorrow. You stretch and rise from your computer chair, you should brush your teeth before going to bed, you think.

You leave your bedroom, the sound of television fills your ears as your Father watches some cheesy soap opera downstairs. God, he is such an old man. You then ignore it and continue your trek down the long winding halls of the manor you call home.

That brings to mind a memory of some time where you had complained about living in a manor to your friends. Of course, Kar got onto you for complaining about living in a life of luxury and how entitled it made you sound. Which, upon reflection, is true. Leave it up to Kar to call out your bullshit.

You hope he’s alright.

You shake your head, of course he’s alright! He’s just having an off day, that's all. You have those sometimes, it’s not that strange.

At least, you try to convince yourself of this. But, well, to be completely honest you’ve been feeling a bit off all day. Even before Sol decided to be more of an ass than usual. There’s just something strange in the air. You can feel it.

It makes you uneasy, and by the time you’ve reached the bathroom you are fully aware of how dark it is outside. How far away your father is. How alone you are right now.

You enter the bathroom and slam the door shut.

You are still alone, but you feel a bit better. Sure the master bathroom is large, but it’s secured by the lock on the door. The only way anything could get in would be by entering the windows, which are covered in purple velvet curtains. They are also far beyond being  _ sensibly  _ big, which means something could crawl in. But your on the third floor, what would be able to get in?

The image of a glowing, winged creature fills your mind with it’s far too sharp claws and wicked teeth.

_ Thank you for that imagination it is very much appreciated. _

Your subconscious is apparently working against you, but you try not to let it bother you. It’s just your paranoia getting to you, messing with your tired mind. After all, there’s no way a monster like that is real.

Yes. Not real at all.

You start to brush your teeth, pushing all thoughts of monsters to the side. You’ll be fine. It will all be fine. Just keep brushing. And brushing. And bru- what was that?!?!

You turn around as fast as possible. But no one is there, just an empty bathroom. The only sign anything changed was the now open window. Shit.

You brandish your toothbrush threateningly, wishing you had a better weapon. A gun perhaps. But this toothbrush is all you have, so you’ll make it work. You creep towards the curtain, keeping an eye on your surroundings just in case.

You see nothing.

Approaching the window cautiously, you look outside. There’s nothing there either. But as you’re about to turn around to check the rest of the room, you see it. Resting on the windowsill right below your line of sight is a golden ring with a purple Aquarius symbol lined upon it with some sort of gemstone.

That’s…

Creepy to say the least.

But it also assuages some of your fears, some. It’s either a stalker (which, let’s face it. You’re not that popular so it’s pretty unlikely) or one of your friends. Your money is on Vriska.

“Vris, I swear to god if that’s you!” You yell into the darkness, but there is no response. Only the night sky and the forest right outside your household. It’s eerily quiet.

You grab the ring and shut the window. You’re not risking it no matter what. Even if it’s one of your friends, who probably stole this ring from you for whatever god awful reason. You then examine the ring, it’s about your size but you’ve never seen it before. Maybe it was your Fathers?

You’ll have to ask him in the morning, seeing as it’s already way too late. You're probably not going to get a full night's sleep even if you hurry to your room. And that’s not just because it’s late.

You start to leave the bathroom before you realize that you’re still holding onto your toothbrush. You should go put that back in the sink. You turn toward the mirror before jumping back in surprise for the second time this night.

You blink and the image is gone.

But you could have sworn you saw a grey figure in the mirror, standing in your place.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let’s play a game called how many subtle puns can I fit in a chapter.


	6. In High (School) Fashion

You are now someone who has just woken up. You look over at the alarm clock next to your human recuperation plank, it is four thirteen in the morning. Of course.

Your name is Kanaya Maryam, and you suppose it is time to get ready for this human “school”. You get out of your recu-  _ bed  _ and walk to your closet, looking out the window as you pass it by. You’ve always been an early riser, but usually the sun is out by that point. Why do humans expect their juveniles to be capable of learning at this hour? From your experience, humans are typically  _ less  _ likely to pay attention when forced to awaken early.

Of course, you could just be missing the point of such early hours. Perhaps there is a reason and it simply eludes you. You make a mental note to ask Rose once you’ve finished preparing. Over Trollian of course.

It’s a bit odd honestly, being separated from Rose for the first time in a sweep in a half. Even on the meteor it was always a matter of walking around a bit until you found someone. She’s never been so far, not since the days where the only way of seeing her was through a screen.

But now you are apart, neighborhoods and schools apart. You are thankful for the fact that you all seem to live in the same city now, even if you all live on different sides. Still, such distance unnerves you.

Perhaps you have gotten a bit codependent.

Alas, there is not much you can do about this predicament. Rose attends a school on the other side of town, and even if you convinced your human lusus to let you move schools you still would be unable to attend hers. Besides, you would not leave Karkat to fend for himself.

And yes, you are well aware your other Troll friends attend the same school as you do.

They are, in fact, part of the problem. For several reasons, both their fault and not. Except for Vriska, everything she does is inherently her fault. Which is, perhaps, a cruel thought, but knowing her, it is also completely true.

Yes, you would not leave Karkat to fend for himself. No matter how much Vriska gets on your nerves these days. You can’t believe you ever had a flush crush on her.

But it matters not, that was years ago and you had yet to meet Rose then. Rose, who you are now separated from. It seems your thoughts have come full circle, you should pick something to wear instead of dwelling on it. Again.

You sort through your closet, thankful for the fact that it seems most of your human self’s wardrobe has your sign on it, a small comfort in this unfamiliar world. It is a rather strange occurrence, but considering the events of the Game, it is far from the strangest thing you have seen. Such as having your Ancestor take her place as your human lusus. That is far stranger than a consistent clothing design. It is not a bad thing, of course. You can tell from your newly acquired memories that she is a woman with a personality and interests similar to your own. She is easy to get along with.

It is just. Strange. Having an adult care for you.

You cannot say you dislike it, even if the loss of a good chunk of your personal independence is a bit distressing. You certainly enjoy your...Mother’s company, even if you can only recall this enjoyment from memories and your meals yesterday. Which were spent in a comfortable silence, thankfully, you do not believe that you would be a great conversationalist at the moment.

You pick out a simple outfit, hardly different than your usual one barring materials which could only be found on Alternia. Luckily for you, it seems Earth has suitable replacements. Perhaps you should revitalize your love of fashion. You had been so busy the past few years with your relationship and preparing for the end of the Game  _ (and clown hunting) _ that you have fallen out of practice.

That, however, will have to wait for another time. You will be busy for the day with school and the meeting you all have scheduled. It will take place in the park. Which is technically closed today, but rules are for people who have not ascended to godhood.

Speaking of godhood, it certainly was a surprise to suddenly have wings grafted to your back and a new outfit. But you are not displeased. Confused, certainly, but not displeased. You ponder if it was a gift from the Game for the remaining mortal players. You can’t have a pantheon without gods after all.

Besides, it’s not as if this is a big change for you, seeing as you were already immortal. You do wonder how the others feel about their sudden ascension, however. You should ask them once you see them again.

You then head into the bathroom and begin your morning routine, something boring and irrelevant to any audience you might have. Not that you have an audience of course. But let us skip over this just in case.

Once you are freshened up, you go to grab your backpack from your respiteblock and head downstairs. You are very careful not to trip, lest you risk being warned about the stairs by not one but  _ two _ Striders. A terrifying prospect, truly.

You make it downstairs without incident and make your way toward the nutritionblock, or well, kitchen. From here you can smell breakfast, oinkbeast strips and eggs. The traditional breakfast of this human country according to Rose. Technically it would also involve orange juice but anything with a high sugar content is banned in your house.

Which, for a human household is a bit odd.

Sure, sugar for Trolls is a strong soporific but up until yesterday you weren’t a Troll. You think anyway. You certainly did not feel like a Troll before yesterday. Other you, not you yourself. You think. These muddled memories are beginning to fray your nerves. Alas, you have no choice but to suffer through it.

You enter the dining room and set your things beside the table, waiting for your mother to enter with the meal. She comes in, two plates in hand and smiles at you. Just as she always does. And for a moment you felt as if you had never been a Troll at all.

===>

The ride to school is rather monotonous, a comfortable silence coming over the two of you as your mother drives. The sound of a violin playing hums from the radio. It’s an interesting tune, and somewhat familiar in a way you cannot place. You look down to see what it is called but all you catch is the end of a name,  _ -onde.  _ Hmm.

“Mother,” You begin, “Do you know who that musician was?”

“Hmm?” Your mother looks over at you with her gleaming jade eyes, “Which musician?”

“The one on the radio,” you are unsure as to elaborate that, there is only one song playing.

“Oh! Oh if you had not have asked me I could have answered you,” she murmurs, “I think it is Rosa, something, Linonde or a name similar to that.”

Hmmmmmm.

Your mother turns back to the road, finally remembering the laws of the street, “Why do you ask?”

“Oh, no reason,” you hum, “just curious.”

Your mother looks like she does not completely believe you but let’s it go, “If you say so sweetheart, oh, we are almost at the school. Please grab your backpack, dear.”

You reach into the back seat and pick up your backpack with ease, mostly thanks to your _ “new”  _ muscular system hidden underneath your human guise. A guide you are finding very helpful with adjusting to your new world, you shudder at the thought of immediately being sent into more trouble due to your appearance. If the human movies Dave had shown you were any indication, most humans feel threatened by the idea of alien life. 

Of course, considering the actions of Her Imperial Condescension, their fears may be well justified.

Even so, such blatant xenophobia would most certainly not help Earth’s case in the case of another alien invasion. Not that you, or any of your friends, would allow Earth to be taken over by a hostile species. You all worked far too hard to get to this planet just for someone else to steal it away again.

And if anything tries, well, you still have your chainsaw.

Your vehicle pulls up next to the school building where a small number of people wait outside in the dark early morning. Ah, the joys of public high schoolfeeding. At least it is approaching a warmer season, unlike the other remaining members of your kind you tend to favor warmer seasons over the cold. Likely a result of your preoccupation with the sun, or light in general.

Such as Rose, the brilliant shining ray of sunlight in your life.

...and Vriska, you suppose, though she is more like a mildly irritating sun _ burn _ . Again, you are glad you grew taste. But you suppose you cannot fault your seven sweep old self, she did not know any better after all.

Mother stops the car in line and looks over to you, “Have a good day Kanaya!”

“You too Mother,” You wish her well in return and shut the door behind you, making your way towards the entrance. It is dark, the sun not even peeking over the hills yet, but that is no hinder on your vision. Even from a distance you can spot the somewhat unfamiliar forms of your friends.

Karkat, Sollux, Aradia, and Terezi stood waiting around a tree. Vriska was nowhere to be seen. The rest of your friends, the ones with no memory anyway, stood _ (or sat in Tavros’ case) _ a good distance away. Every now and then they threw confused and concerned looks between Sollux, Aradia, and Eridan _ (who you are very much resisting the urge to chainsaw). _

You wonder what that is about.

You meander towards your friends under the tree. They all wave at you except for Karkat, who seems to be furiously writing in a notebook, and Sollux who is furiously typing on his palmhusk. You greet them, “Good morning, it seems you are all ready for the day. May I inquire as to where Miss Serket has gotten off to?”

Sollux mutters something about it not counting as morning before the sun is out, but it is Terezi, brandishing a dragonless cane, who answers you, “She said she would be running late. Something about losing ranch dressing? Whatever the fuck ranch dressing is.”

“I believe it is a condiment,” you tell her, a bit curious as to why Vriska would be tardy over a sauce. Not that it is really any of your business what cryptic and possibly appalling things Vriska gets up to when you are not present. Terezi shrugs, obviously a bit confused, but also knowing Vriska well enough not to question it.

“Who fucking cares if spiderbitch is late over some piss packet?!” Karkat growls, before returning to his aggressive scribbling, “If she wants to spend the day leaving the rest of us to suffer then  _ good for her,  _ why doesn’t she go suck her own bulge while she’s at it?!”

That sounds, more aggressive than usual. These days at least, “Karkat, are you alright?”

He shoots you a sour look, “Apparently past me has continued his habit of being  _ fucking useless _ and ditched me with his shitty human math work! Which I  _ couldn’t do  _ because I was too busy having a fucking crisis yesterday with the rest of your nooksuckers!”

You choose to ignore the fact that technically it is his “shitty human math work” as well. Instead you offer your assistance, “Would you like some help with that?”

He takes a deep, rasping breath, “ _ Please.” _

You walk over to see his paper, luckily for him most of it seems correct. Still, you both should hurry seeing as math is your first block of the day. Meanwhile, Aradia sits down next to Sollux and says, “Oh, I just didn't do the homework.”

_ “Whoop-dee-fucking-do for you then,”  _ Karkat hisses. You pat his shoulder to get his attention, careful to avoid papping him. You certainly enjoy Karkat’s presence, but not in any sort of pale way and you are far more stingy in your affections than him. These days anyway. Again, you had far less self control at seven sweeps.

“I didn’t do it either,” Sollux adds, still not looking away from his screen.

Karkat glowers at him.

And then Vriska arrives. Of course. She smirks, her chaos senses obviously going off in her thinkpan, “What’s up with Karkles?”

Terezi, the traitor, answers, “It seems our dear leader has forgotten to do his homework.”

“Oh, you had homework?” Vriska asks smugly.

Karkat forcefully places his pencil and notebook in your prongs, eyes full of murder, “That’s it I’m strangling them, all of them. The past three years of suffering at their hands ends here.”

“Do it you pansy,” Sollux challenges.

Karkat tries to launch at him, forcing you to grab the back of his sweater, “Karkat, it is far too early in the morning for murder.”

“Bold words coming from you Miss Rainbow Slushy,” Terezi grins. You ignore her.

“Additionally, I doubt you would like to spend your first full day in this world stewing in the principals office,” You whisper.

“Fine,” Karkat spits, looking very much not fine, “I’d rather not spend my first day anywhere near this shit hole of a schoolfeeding building, but I guess I can’t get anything I fucking want now can I?”

Aradia shrugs, “You have to suffer through this with the rest of us.”

“Oh, like this is your first day! Or did you time jump without telling anyone,  _ again?!”  _ Karkat exclaims. 

You rush to quiet him, “Karkat, perhaps it would do you some good not to say that so loud?”

“This is public school, the dumbasses stuck here have heard weirder shit,” Karkat grumbles, but looks chastised.

“Yeah, they’ve had to listen to your rants,” Vriska teases.

“At least I wasn’t late because of grub sauce!”

“What the fuck? I wasn’t looking for fucking grub sauce!”

===>

You watch as two of your friends begin to go at each other’s throats. This is nothing new, especially from them, with Vriska’s hobby of annoying people and Karkat’s hobby of being annoyed. In fact, you are fairly thankful of  _ something  _ being the same because otherwise you would be fully convinced half your friends have been replaced by aliens.

Or well, maybe not that far, but you would be convinced that something  _ terribubble  _ happened yesterday. Really, they’ve just been acting so  _ weird _ . Weirder than usual. Plus, they’ve been ignoring you! Which, again, is so  _ weird  _ because the Karcrab you know would never pass down an opportunity to gripe at someone.

You are now Feferi Peixes, a girl who is most certainly concerned about her friends.

Normally, you would have stomped over and needled the answers out of your friends. After all, they wouldn’t give you the answers you needed without a little foul play. But you stopped yourself after seeing Aradia and Shoallux talking like nothing in the world was wrong. If you are completely honest with yourshellf, you’re a bit curious as to what finally snappered them out of their funk. But you didn’t want to interrupt them, just in case.

You’ve got an idea of what happened anyway, an idea most of your fronds agree with.

“Are you certain that Vantas would be  _ stopping  _ a fight?” Equius wonders, tearing your attention away from the argument going on in front of you.

“Positive, oh miraculous friends of mine,” Gamzee ascertains, an easy going smile on his face  _ (you don’t trust it),  _ “He could calm even the angriest of motherfuckers down, you know?”

“Yeah,  _ we know  _ Gam,” Eridan yawns, he looks like he didn’t sleep a wink, “Doesn’t mean he has any tact.”

“Weren’t mew the one who brought up the idea in the furrst place?” Nepeta raises an eyebrow from her spot besides Equius.

Eridan looks somewhat annoyed, “Of course, I was just statin a fact. I still think that they were helpin’ mediate those two drama queens.”

You very carefully do not think of the irony in that statement when you respond, “Whale waterver Karkat and Kanaya did, it worked.”

Eridan snorts, “Waterver?”

“Hey, it fits!” You huff, Nepeta nods in agreement. Nepeta is now your favorite.

“Now don’t get upset, sis,” Gamzee placates, “He’s just mad that he didn’t think of it.”

You giggle as Eridan lets out an indignant, “I am not!”

“Uh, guys?” Tavros interjects, “Aren't we getting a, uhm, bit...off topic?”

“I do not see what else we have to discuss,” Equius claims, “After all, we can do no more than speculate until we get answers from them.”

Eridan scoffs, “Good luck with that, when I tried asking yesterday Sol shut up tighter than a lobster trap. With an angry fish stuck inside. I got nofin’ from him except insults.”

“Maybe we could ask Aradia?” You ponder, ignoring Eridan’s blatant use of fish puns. He probably just wants an excuse to come up with a better pun. As if he could out-pun you, the only worthy pun rival you have is Nepeta.

“Uhm, I don’t know if that’s a good idea...considering the, uh, last time we tried to get answers from her,” Tavros points out. 

Everyone shudders, sometimes Aradia reminds people a little  _ too _ much of her mom.

“Yeah, bad purrlan,” Nepeta agrees nervously.

“Maybe we shoaled wait untail lunch,” You add, the others nod so you continue, “Yeah, let’s talk aboat somefin else.”

“Like what?” Eridan asks, giving you an idea.

“Hmm, How aboat...you!” You point at him, he looks taken aback, “You’ve been acting fishy all morning, when's the mast time you slept mister?”

“Oh,” he sighs, “That’s it?”

You raise an eyebrow, “Is somefin happining that I don’t know aboat?”

He shakes his head, “Of course not!”

You are not convinced, but he continues on, “And for your information I slept last night.”

“Are you shore?”

“Yes!”

Nepeta chimes in, “Really? You look like you haven’t had a catnap in days.”

Eridan touches his face, “I don’t look that bad, do I?”

“Your eye bags have eye bags, brother,” Gamzee adds. 

Eridan wilts, he looks even more nervous than before. So you ask, “Is somefin wrong?”

“If you are involved in a difficult situation, I implore you to inform us so that we may help you appropriately. None of us will judge you if something prevented you from having a complete rest,” Equius tells him.

He looks like he wants to deny it but decides not to at the last second, “Ok, maybe I didn’t have a full night’s sleep. But the reason just sounds so...silly.”

“It’s not silly if something is bofuring you!” Nepeta exclaims.

“If you say so,” Eridan hums, “I guess you could say that I had,  _ ugh _ , I had a nightmare.”

Your friends all make sounds of concern, it must have been pretty bad if it kept him up all night. You put a hand on his shoulder, “Do you want to tell us about it?”

“Don’t you mean  _ aboat? _ ” He chuckles weakly, his face still drained of color, “Heh, erm, you know thinkin’ back on it now I can’t really remember it that well. It’s all fuzzy now, but, I remember bein’ somewhere dark, I called it a meteor even though it didn’t really look like one. But I was standin’ in a hallway, and I had somethin’ in my hand. The floor was covered in paint, I think? And I just felt like, like I had done somethin’  _ awful. _ Lookin’ back on it, I don’t even know why it scared me, but I just, I couldn’t shake that feelin’ you know?”

“Oh, Eridan that sounds  _ pawful,” _ Nepeta whines, then pads over to give him a hug. You want to follow her lead, but something about that story struck you as familiar. Terrifyingly familiar.

It reminds you of your middle school days. When Eridan was, well, for lack of a better word, angry. Not just angry at a person no, angry at  _ everything. _ Those days are long ago now, but there were times back then where one day you thought Eridan would just  _ snap.  _ Thankfully he got better with anger management classes and time, you don’t know what you would have done if he was still like that. You wouldn’t abandon him of course, but, well you don’t like to think about it…

You’re not sure why his dream reminded you of that, but you aren’t going to worry about it. Right now Eridan needs a hug and by glub are you going to give him one. You walk up to the side Nepeta isn’t occupying and wrap yourself around him, “It’ll be ok Erifish.”

“Fish sis is right bro,” Gamzee stands up and walks over, “Now how about a motherfucking group hug?”

And then Gamzee was hugging him too.

_ Nice. _

You look at the other two friends in your circle, begrudgingly, Equius shuffles over to join in the hug. So does Tavros, even if it takes a bit more maneuvering with his wheelchair for him to join. Finally, most of your friends are in the group hug!

You look over your shoulder to see if any of your other friends have noticed. But no, they’re all still watching Vriska and Karkat fight. Actually, it seems that Terezi has joined as well, and now they’re just picking on Karkat. You should have expected that. 

Then you realize they’re not all watching. Sollux is staring, no  _ glaring  _ at your friend pile. Even if you can’t see his eyes you can feel his frustration from here. He notices your gaze and turns away, but his face is still contorted with displeasure.

You wish you knew what was wrong.

===> 

Hours pass, and after two awkward classes with your friends you are about ready to burst! Seariously! First, Sollux just completely brushed your concerns aside, and then Aradia just ignored everything you were saying! Karkat did nothing rant about some student  _ (Who the shell is Dave?)  _ and never answered any of your questions! Then there was  _ Kanaya _ , who you could swear was going out of her way to porpoisely avoid you! Agh! Why are all of your friends so bad at being interrogated?!

And no, you didn’t ask Vriska and Terezi, you are nowhere near in the mood to deal with their shenanigans.

The one good thing about right now is the fact that it’s lunch and now you finally have to opportunity to corner all your friends.  _ All of them. _

And look at that, there they are. You beeline for the table they’re sitting at and give them the widest smile you can, “I guess we're sitting here today?”

Sollux sweats, realizing that there’s no escape as the rest of your fronds come over to sit. The entire cafeteria is not-so-subtly staring at you, most people have caught on to the problems surrounding your group today and are eager to find out what’s going on. Hungry for drama like the sharks they are. But Kanaya doesn’t even break a sweat, “Indeed, we felt it was time for a change of scenery. Please, feel free to join us.”

_ Oh she’s good. _

Not that you expected any less from Kanaya. You remember the day she stared down the guy who called her a,  _ uhm _ , a word you shouldn’t call someone so hard he ran away screaming like it was yesterday. Even though it was reely last month. She’s just that intimidating. 

You know betta though, she wouldn’t do that to a frond!

Probaybly.

You sit nervously, letting an awkward almost silence fill the table. You say almost because Aradia is still chomping away at her lunch like you never even sat down. You are mildly impressed. Still, the stare down continues.

“Is anyone going to actually fucking say something or are you just going to sit on your lazy asses and try to pick out our thi- _ brains  _ with your eyes?” Karkat finally snaps.

“O-oh uhm, how was your day?” You finally ask, it’s unimpressive, you know. 

Karkat seems to agree, “Oh, so you  _ aren’t  _ the one whose been sticking her nose up our asses? Because I’m pretty fucking sure I can smell your shit from here.”

Well, you can’t say you missed Karkrabs metaphors.

“Come on brother, you know we can’t help but be a little motherfucking curious,” Gamzee drawls.

Karkat  _ flinches _ . 

It’s a small thing but your eyes are keen from all the time you spend underwater, there’s no way you could have missed it. You shift your eyes to see if the others notice. Only Nepeta and Eridan share your look but it’s enough to confirm what you saw. You open your mouth to ask, but Karkat interrupts you.

“I don’t care if your curious, it’s none of your fucking business!” 

“It is my fuckin’ business when Sol treats me like I just murdered his nonexistent pet dog!” Eridan interrupts, “Seriously Sol, what the fuck crawled up your ass, and what’s goin’ on with you and Ara?!”

Sollux’s face clouds over in the angriest expression you’ve ever seen him have, “Whatever’s going on between AA and me has nothing to do with you douchebag!”

“Oh, so  _ I’m  _ the douchebag for worryin’ about my friends? At least I actually care enough to try and help!”

“ _ You, help?!”  _ Sollux practicality steams, “You are the most insufferable bag of bulges I have ever met in my  _ life!  _ You just waltz up and pretend like you care then get offended when I don’t give you my sob life story on a silver fucking platter! God, why won’t you just  _ fuck off?!”  _

Sollux growls and pushes himself out of his seat before storming out of the cafeteria. The students all stare at him in silence as he makes his way out. You are silent. You don’t know where that came from. Sure, Sollux and Eridan aren’t the best of friends but they’ve never been that antagonistic. Has something been wrong with your friend this entire time and you never noticed?

What else have you missed?

You are not sure you want the answer.

“Well,” Vriska startles you out of your contemplation, “That was something, but you know, I don’t think I’m in the mood to hear you all bitch so  _ ta ta.” _

Vriska gets up and saunters away. Huh, you thought she would love to stay for drama. But then again, you have apparently been missing a lot lately. Or maybe she knows what’s going on and doesn’t want any part of it. With Vriska’s tendency to know even the deepest secrets you wouldn’t be surprised.

Terezi stands up too, “I’m going to go stop her from getting expelled, have fun yelling at each other.”

And then Terezi was gone. 

The air around the table was awkward, the silence grew to a low muttering, and Aradia had stopped shoveling in her lunch at alarming speed. She frowned slightly and looked back towards the doorway, “I’m should find Sollux, you guys can handle this.”

Now there was eight. 

You looked over at Karkat and Kanaya. Karkat scowls, “What? Someone has to stay here and keep you from doing stupid shit.”

“Agreed,” Kanaya nods, “Though I may have to go make sure Vriska hasn’t done anything  _ too  _ bad, somehow I doubt in Terezi’s ability to keep her out of trouble.”

“Oh, uhm…okay,” Tavros stutters out, “since that, uh…didn’t end so well, uhm, maybe we should change the topic, er, it’s just a suggestion so if you don’t agree then, uh, it’s fine. I, uhm, don’t mind.”

“I don’t mind at all, Tavros,” Kanaya smiles, “In fact, I believe a change in topic would do us all some good.”

You flounder for a second at such an easy transition from, whale, whatever just happened. Then you realize that the table is descending back into an awkward silence fast. Quick, Feferi, think of something, “Oh! Uhm, what aboat the school dance?”

Your get a deadpan look from Karkat, “The  _ what?” _

You gasp, “Don’t tell me you forgot about it seally! The dance at the end of the school year, the one you guys agreed to help me set up?”

He contemplates this for a second and then sighs, “Well then sorry fishbreath, I don’t know if you’ve pulled your head out of your glitter filled ass long enough to realize, but handling the dysfunctional trainwreck that is our friend group has tied my hands so tight that look like those dumbass carnival pretzels. So yes, Feferi, I forgot. Please remind me of the oh so important event my mind has declined in the face of my slow downward spiral into a literal pile of shit.”

You feel somewhat unsettled for a moment but swallow the feeling down. It’s just Karkat being Karkat, he doesn’t reely mean anyfin by it. You're absolutely shore, “Whale, you know I’m on the events committee right?”

“Yes, I am _whale_ _aware, _I haven’t become a complete stress induced amnesiac.”

“That’s not what I meant and you  _ minnow _ it!” You huff playfully, “What I was going to sea was that the rest of the events committee had to cancel because of the Senior Trip, so I figured I would bassk for some kelp. But apparently you weren’t listening last week!”

“Well pardon me for trying to handle our friends bullshit emotions then, I guess they aren’t as important as some shitty party!” Karkat throws up his hands.

“That’s not-“

“What you meant, I get it Feferi, you’re trying to make a joke. I know I’m being such a fucking dickwad today, I’m just, so fucking tired of all this shit right now,” Karkat groans.

“Are you alright?” You question, you knew you were missing something going on with your friend. But this seems a lot bigger than some drama that went down yesterday. How long have you been missing this? And what’s going on anyway?

“Just fucking dandy,” Karkat gripes, pulling his chair away from the table, “you know what? I’m going to get some fresh air, maybe that will revive some of the dead brain cells that you all have given me.”

As he starts to walk away, Kanaya rises, “I believe I shall join you. Our friends are taking an awfully long time with whatever they are up to, and I did say I should check on them. Let us hope they have not set the school ablaze in our absence.”

“Yeah sure, whatever,” Karkat mumbles, allowing her to catch up.

You watch dejectedly as the last of your upset friends leave the cafeteria, and you, behind.

“Well that could have gone better,” Equius surmises.

“No shit.”

“Language Nepeta.”

===>

“You did not have to be that mean to Feferi, you know,” You, Kanaya Maryam, begin, “She only wants to help.”

Karkat groans, “Yes, I am aware that I am a massive douchesocket, thank you for pointing that out Kanaya. It is very much appreciated.”

You raise an eyebrow, “Karkat.”

“Ugh, don’t go all lusus on me now Kanaya. I’m sorry I was a complete and total bulgesucker to Feferi, but she was practically dancing on my nerves with all her damn prodding! It’s bad enough when my actual lus-  _ Dad  _ gets into my business and I don’t need her settling her shit in it too!” 

“Well if you wished to keep her out of your  _ ‘business’  _ I do not believe dramatically stomping out of the room will not ease her suspicions.”

“It was not dramatic!”

“It was fairly dramatic, Karkat.”

Karkat huffs and looks away, “I will have you know that my stomping was out of genuine rage and frustration, if you're looking for dramatic exits then Ampora is back in the communal dining block.”

Your face sours, “Trust me when I say that I will not be seeking out Eridan’s company anytime soon. I may appreciate this Eridan’s more friendly disposition, but I had not accounted for the sheer amount of  _ anger  _ the mere sight of his face had left me with. Perhaps in a few days I will be able to handle it more suitably, but for now I feel it is for the best that I avoid him. Lest I do something…unfortunate.”

Karkat sends you a worried look, “Are you sure you can handle even being in the same building as him then? Because I don’t want to be the dumbass telling the human police that my friend murdered my other friend because she couldn’t handle the sight of his ugly face.”

“Yes Karkat, I will be fine. I can ignore the urge to chainsaw Eridan until my memories settle,” You smile softly. Try as he might, he cannot hide how much he cares. Or any of his feelings really, it’s something you admire about him no matter how much Alternia May have looked down on him for it.

“Oh, good,” Karkat blushes and looks away, quickly changing the topic, “Hey didn’t you say you wanted to look for those thinkpan rotted morons before they burnt us all to death?”

“Indeed I did, however, I was mostly looking for an excuse to follow you.

“Yeah well let’s do that, I don’t feel like being turned into a pile of literal ash on our first day here. I’ll look this way and you can check over there, where you can’t hear me make more of a fool of myself.”

“If you wanted a moment to yourself all you had to do was ask.”

“I don’t need a moment to myself, I’m trying to keep these morons from getting killed!”

“If you say so, though I doubt any of them will be fatally injured while on school property.”

“Have you  _ met  _ our friends?”

“Fair point.”

And so the two of you split up in search of your friends. You doubt that this is truly necessary, but it’s better to be safe than sorry. Thankfully, the halls you conduct your search in are all empty of both student and teacher. Which is also suspicious now that you think about it. Suspiciously lucky.

What has Vriska gotten up to now?

You walk faster in the hopes that you can prevent whatever disaster she has planned, because honestly, anything Vriska needs this much privacy for can only be qualified as a disaster. But evidently you were not fast enough. You can hear Vriska’s spidery laughter from here, a sure sign that everything has gone to shit.

You round the corner.

And...

You are not sure what you are looking at.

There is Vriska, who is still laughing, but she does not seem to be doing much beyond that. No, the true source of confusion comes from the people laying in front of the vending machine. Sollux and Terezi lay there, giggling maniacally. 

Both of them. 

You are now confused. Was Sollux not about to completely lose his shit only a few minutes ago? There is no way he could have bounced back this fast, and what about Terezi? What could she possibly find so funny about right now?

Then again this is Terezi you are talking about.

You should be more worried about the mysterious wrappers littering the floor around them. You bend down to pick one up, investigating the text pasted on the red packaging. Half the bag has been ripped off but what you have reads  _ Skit- _

Skit? That sounds familiar, but from where? You think back to every conversation you can remember having back on the meteor. After all, that’s the most likely place you would have heard about some insignificant human snack. It takes a second to recall the exact conversation, but you think you remember Dave bringing up something called  _ Skittles.  _ It was one of the more notable conversations you had in the early years of your space travel, having had it immediately after discussing your nature as a Rainbow Drinker. Dave had made a joke about you  _ “tasting the rainbow”  _ which had lead to you asking what on Alternia he was talking about. So then he told you about this specific kind of candy and its moto.

Wait, candy has sugar in it does it not?

Oh no.

You look down at your giggling friends with fresh eyes. Their euphoria now seems less humor induced and more along the lines of serious inebriation. You would say you cannot believe your friends would get completely shitfaced in school, but that would be a lie. 

“Oh heeeeeeeey Kanaya!” Vriska waves you over, she seems more coherent then the two fools flopping around on the floor, “What brings you here?”

“Well I was coming to keep you from destroying the building, but it seems the only thing I needed to rescue was you all from your own stupidity,” You deadpan.

“Oh please, we’re fiiiiiiiine,” She says, right as Sollux starts whispering something about ghosts telling him to do a flip. You do not feel reassured.

“Really? Because it looks to me like you are going to spend the rest of the day in detention,” Or jail you think, but you doubt any human prison could contain any of your friends.

Vriska just snickers, “Not if we don’t get caught!”

“Please illuminate me on how you plan to not get caught when out next class is in say,” you pull out your palmhusk and look at the screen, “ten minutes?”

“Like this,” She grins maliciously and runs off. You are a bit worried as to what you have just set in motion, but are unable to chase her. Your two, far more incoherent friends, require your attention.

“Sollux, Terezi, can either of you hear me?” You nudge Terezi with your foot but she does not react in any way. Damn it.

After a few more attempts to get their attention, you decide that they are far too gone. You cringe at the thought of the hangover they are going to have because of this, alas, they must accept the consequences of their actions. You look back at the clock, five minutes until class. There is no way they will be able to attend, but you do not wish to get them in trouble for skipping. 

Perhaps you should take them to the nurse? No that would only get them into more trouble, and you all can not afford to miss the meeting after school today. Even if they end up completely out of it during said meeting, it is better than them missing it completely.

You struggle to come up with a logical solution. There’s simply no reasonable way to avoid them getting into some sort of issue. What you need is a miracle.

_ -BEEEEP BEEEEP BEEEEP BEEE- _

And then the fire alarm goes off, sprinklers and all.

You have the oddest feeling that Vriska is responsible for this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don’t do drugs kids.


	7. The Detective Who Never Solved Anything

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling tentacleTherapist [TT]

GA: Hello Rose, I Do Hope I Am Not Interrupting.

TT: Not at all love, what do you need at this fine hour?

GA: Well I Would Not Call This Hour Fine.

TT: Is something wrong?

GA: I Would Not Say That Something Is Wrong, It Is More Along The Lines Of Something Being Highly Inconvenient.

TT: How so?

GA: Do You Remember When I Told You That Sugar To Trolls Is Equivalent To Your Human Recreational Drugs?

TT: I do indeed remember, though your subtle foreshadowing does need work. May I inquire as to the exact details of what happened?

GA: Vriska.

GA: To Some Degree At Least. Apparently She Thought That A Good Way To Take Our Dear Friends Minds Off Of Certain Stressful Events Was To Get Sollux And Terezi So Inebriated That They Would Be Unable To Think About Anything Except Their Own Headaches.

GA: Then She Decided The Best Way To Prevent Them From Being Discovered Was To Set Off The Fire Alarm.

GA: By Starting A Fire In The Principal's Office.

GA: The Only Reason She Is Not On A One Way Trip To The Local Jail Is Her Bullshit Luck Powers Causing The Cameras To Short Out.

GA: We Now Have The Rest Of The Day Off. 

GA: Along With The Entire Following Week.

TT: And here I thought my first day back was chaotic. 

GA: What Happened?

TT: Well. 

TT: It all started with John.

===>

“John, just because you are late does not mean you can fly in through the window.”

“Hey, it’s either this or detention!”

===>

TT: Then Dave had a rather unfortunate experience with some fangirls.

===>

“So what do you say? I think that going to get a smoothie after school is a wonderful idea!”

“As much as I’d love to agree I’m afraid I have a crippling allergy to smoothies. If I ever go within five hundred feet of one I’ll die.”

“Oh no, that sounds terrible!”

“Yeah, so does going on a date with you.”

===>

TT: She then ran away crying. However, considering her history of causing others to do the same, I feel no pity for her.

TT: Of either kind.

GA: Of Course Not, You Have Standards. 

TT: Yes, and you meet all of them.

GA: I Feel Much The Same Darling.

TT: Such synchronicity, it must be fate.

GA: It Certainly Must.

TT: As unfortunate as it is, I must halt our poetic waxing on our romantic entanglements, the mention of standards reminded me of the next incident we had today.

GA: How so?

TT: It seems that Jade’s rather fetching outfit did not meet the regulations of the school dress code.

===>

“Miss Harley, where is the rest of your shirt?!?”

“It’s too hot outside so I wore a crop top. Why do you ask?”

===>

TT: I am fairly certain she actually did know what Mrs. Burkin was talking about. 

TT: But whatever amusement she held for the situation was most certainly not shared by the staff.

TT: Thankfully she managed to evade any serious consequences by putting her gym shirt over her top.

TT: Of course, she ended up tearing it off as soon as she left the school building. The look on the administrations faces is one that I will treasure for years. Especially since they could not stop her, seeing as school had already been dismissed.

TT: But that was at the end of the day, even before that there was plenty for the teachers to be upset at us for.

TT: Such as what Jane did in her Home Economics class.

===> 

“Well it’s no wonder her cupcakes fell apart if she was using some second rate general food brand cake mix!”

“Miss Crocker, that does not mean you are allowed to call your classmate, and I quote  _ ‘a hack who wouldn’t know the end of a stirring spoon if it hit them in the face.” _

“Oh no, I called her that because she insulted my beignets.”

===>

TT: She was lucky that the student she insulted had a history of disrupting class. They ended up taking most of the blame because obviously dear, sweet Ms. Crocker wouldn’t start fights for no reason.

GA: That Sounds Manipulative.

TT: It is.

GA: Hmm.

GA: I Suppose I Have No Room To Talk About Morally Dubious Actions, But I Never Expected It To Come From Someone Responsible For Half Of John's Genetics.

TT: Actually, it would seem that accidental emotional manipulation is a family trait. At least from what I can tell of the behavioral patterns Mr. Harley-English has displayed so far.

===>

“Apologies Mr. Sootman but I’m afraid I was unable to complete my homework last night.”

“And what was so important that you failed to do the one thing I asked of you?”

“It may set me up to be a bit of a dewdropper, but there comes a time in every boys life when he looks up to his father and wonders what he was like as a child. Apparently in his youth mine was a bit of a serial layabout.”

“So he let you deliberately disobey me?”

“Seeing as the man's six feet under, I don’t think he  _ lets _ me do much of anything.”

===>

TT: He certainly caught that professor off guard. So much so that he ended up getting a sympathy extension on the due date.

TT: I was impressive honestly, never before have I seen a teacher show such regret for a sentence so quickly. Clearly the Harlcroberts must have some form of guilt tripping magic.

GA: Jade Is A Witch, It Would Not Surprise Me If Her Inherit Mysticism Rubbed Off On Her Relations.

TT: That would make sense.

TT: At least, according to the elaborate cosmic dumpster fire responsible for our conception.

TT: Speaking of dumpster fires.

GA: A Worrying Statement.

TT: It seems my biological father is one when it comes to any social situation. And when I say any, I mean any.

===>

“Mr. Strider, can you please hand me the tissue box?”

“I don’t know, can I? Do I possess the physical ability to pick up a mere box and bring it to you. For years I believed I could, but now, my faith is shaken. How ever will I gain the courage to face so much as a simple cardboard container filled with a stack of shitty one ply paper. It all seems lost to me now.”

“Once again Mr. Strider,  _ language.” _

“And so we come to the root of our problem, the many difficult facets of the English language. The true enemy. An adversary I have struggled with for years.”

===>

TT: Apparently, he can be just as much a blabbermouth as Dave when he feels like it.

TT: His situational awareness outside of combat, however, does need some work. 

GA: You Could Say The Same For All Striders.

TT: A sad, yet honest truth.

GA: Agreed.

TT: So up next would be my sister. Or cousin if you want to get into legal technicalities.

TT: However hers was far less humorous in comparison when you think about it.

===>

“Roxy, why are you hiding in the supply closet?”

“There’s too many people.”

“Where are there too many people?”

“ _ Everywhere.” _

===>

TT: I doubt she had much contact with people before this. What with her living in the aquatic apocalypse and all. This much exposure all at once got to her, and likely Dirk as well. It would certainly explain his babbling.

TT: Nevertheless, Roxy went home early today by saying she was sick, which was likely her best available option. Though my “Aunt Rosalind” may be a bit fretful about the situation. There is not much we can do besides hope she does not get worked up enough to take her to the doctor.

GA: Oh Dear I Do Hope She Feels Better Soon.

TT: As do I, though I do not believe she will be indisposed for too long, she’s already looking a bit better now that she’s out of that environment.

GA: Well That Is Definitely More Than I Can Say About My Friends.

GA: Last Time I Checked, Aradia Informed Me That Sollux Was Now Complaining About Incorporeal Human Grandmothers Asking If Aradia Was His Matesprit.

GA: He Was Apparently Rather Embarrassed About It, However His Crippling Migraine Prevented Him From Running The Ghosts Off.

TT: I thought Mr. Captor only heard the voices of the imminently deceased.

GA: His Previous State Of Being Half Dead Evidently Granted Him New Capabilities.

TT: Interesting, and am I to assume he is no longer half dead?

GA: He Too Was Granted Ascension Upon Entering Earth C.

TT: I see, I still find that whole subject fascinating. Why would the Game give all mortal players their God Tier when said players were not part of the successful session in the first place?

GA: Some Cosmic Continuity We Are Not Aware Of?

TT: A plausible solution, and perhaps the most likely.

TT: Sburb does love its convoluted timelines after all.

GA: That Is An Understatement.

GA: But, Going Back To Our Companions Conditions.

GA: Perhaps It Would Be Wise To Postpone Our Meeting?

TT: Perhaps we should.

TT: It is very unlikely that our indisposed companions will be ready to meet in just a few hours. If we plan this for tomorrow then we could all meet for the Crockerbert’s birthday, assuming the adults have no plans. Which I doubt they do with Mr.Crocker-Egbert out of town. Do you think they will be in better shape by tomorrow evening?

GA: If They Rest Properly, Then Yes.

GA: And They Will Rest Properly.

TT: I have no doubt about that, darling. <3

GA: <3

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling tentacleTherapist [TT]

===>

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG]

TG: psst

TG: janey 

TG: over here

GG: I can see your typing full and well from here, Roxy.

GG: There's no need for such sneaking around.

TG: oh tak all the fun rihgt out of it y dont ya

TG: *take *right

TG: mabe i wanna snek

TG: *sneak

TG: did u think bout that

GG: I admit it had crossed my mind, how foolish of me to dismiss it.

GG: Truly, you are the sneakiest friend I have.

TG: yer damn right i am ;)

TG: void powers r kickass 

GG: I have no doubt about that.

GG: But have you considered this?

TG: consderd wat???

TG: *considees 

TG: *considered

TG: got it

TG: janey u still there???

GG: Yes, I was just giving you a second.

TG: thnx

GG: No problem.

GG: Back to what I was saying.

GG: Have you considered?

GG: That Life powers are more kickass.

TG: >:O>:O>:O>:O

TG: balsjrmy!!

TG: *BLASPHEMY!!!!!!!!!

GG: Hoo hoo hoo! 

GG: But you didn’t deny it. ;B

TG: drn ur right

TG: but voids still cool as fucc

TG: non of ur reviving the ded will change thay 

TG: *that

GG: Perhaps we should agree that both of our aspects are mutually impressive, if only to halt this terrible conflict.

TG: inded mis crocker we shold

TG: *miss *should

TG: lets digitaly shake on it

GG: Indeed, let us shake on it.

GG: A gesture of peace for our great nation of this chat.

TG: that sounds prty capitalist janey 

GG: It wasn’t on purpose.

TG: suspicious <_<

GG: That’s a new one.

GG: Are you testing out new emojis?

TG: ye

TG: i felt that one wrd did not have the proper gravitas

GG: I see, I see.

GG: But I do have another question?

TG: yess??

GG: Why did you pester me in the first place?

GG: It seemed that you had something important to say.

TG: oh yea!!!

TG: do u want 2 com over?

GG: To your house?

GG: I thought we were all meeting up at the park?

TG: eh the park got cnclled after some of rosies gfs friends got high

TG: *cancelled

TG: or something lik that

GG: Excuse me, but did you just say that someone got high?

TG: no 

TG: someONES got high

TG: plural

TG: rmbr ur grammar jane 

GG: Coming from you, I find that rather ironic.

TG: ;)

TG: i lerned from the best

GG: Do you mean Dirk?

TG: no i mean danny devito 

TG: yis i mean dirk 

TG: an speakin of di-stri 

TG: wins the next time yer gonna tlk to em?

GG: Er.

GG: I’ll have to get back to you on that.

GG: I do not believe a conversation between us would go so well right now.

GG: In fact, it’s very unlikely that Dirk would want to see me at all.

TG: hmmmm

TG: if u saaaay so

GG: I know so.

GG: He was practically avoiding me all day!

GG: But, well, I can’t say I blame him.

GG: Considering everything that went down during the game.

GG: It’s probably for the best that I keep my space from him.

GG: And Jake.

GG: At least for a little while, until things cool off.

TG: hmmmmmmmmmm

GG: What?

TG: jane 

TG: you cant avoid yor problems and expect them to get better

GG: I’m not avoiding them!

TG: shhhhhhhh!!!

TG: let momma rox finish

GG: Roxy.

TG: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

GG: Alright, Alright!

GG: I have been shooshed.

TG: gud 

TG: now lsiten 

TG: *listen

TG: you can’t avoid them forevr 

TG: no matter how much u want to

TG: i know that bad shit happned 

TG: but u all spend so long blamin urselves and dont think about how the others fel 

TG: *feel

GG: So what I just go up to Jake and say “Oh sorry I almost assaulted you, I was busy being mind controlled!” 

GG: Like that makes it any better!

TG: no

TG: u TALK to each other bout it

TG: i konw were not that gud at that but weve got to at least try

TG: pls jane

GG: That relies on them wanting to talk to me in the first place.

GG: Which, again, I doubt.

TG: ud be surprised

GG: Unlikely.

TG: cmon janey pls!!!!!!!!

GG: You put those exclamation marks away.

TG: pls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GG: Fine!

GG: But not right now.

GG: They likely need more time to cope with our new surroundings.

TG: that sounds lik an excuse but i will accept it four now

TG: butt back on topic!!

GG: We had a topic?

TG: yess

TG: i wanted to know if u were gonna com ovr 

TG: *over

GG: Oh yes, that’s right!

GG: Silly me, forgetting in the midst of my emotional distress!

TG: :(

TG: thats not silly jane 

TG: if u wanna stay home after that its fin

TG: *fine

TG: i made a fish pun 

TG: gross

GG: No, I’ll come over!

GG: I probably need to get some air anyway.

TG: i kinda figured u wer mad at me

GG: Oh heavens no, Roxy!

GG: I’m not upset with you.

GG: I am just…

GG: Well, I suppose I the word I’m looking for is frustrated.

GG: With myself.

GG: Watching John got right back into the swing of things with his friends today. 

GG: It reminded me of how distant we all are.

GG: I mean, he was separated from his friends for three years and then some!

GG: But me?

GG: I’ve spent my entire time with my friends and all I seemed to do was get further from them.

GG: Fuck.

GG: I’m rambling.

GG: Sorry.

TG: no its fine jane!!!

TG: let it all out

TG: i herd ranting makes people feel better

GG: From who?

GG: Mr. Vantas?

TG: u can call him karkat u know

GG: Perhaps after I meet him, I’ve yet to have the pleasure of witnessing his legendary tirades.

GG: Or so John claims.

TG: oh yeah u totes have

TG: theyre grate

GG: Apparently so.

GG: It seems we’ve gotten off topic again.

TG: oh shit we did

TG: soooo

TG: wan to come hav an emotional breakdown at my house?

TG: ill get a pile and evrythin 

TG: itll be pale as fuck

GG: I have no idea what that means.

TG: ;)

GG: >:B

TG: snrk

TG: but really r u comin over 

GG: Yes, Roxy.

GG: I’ll come over.

TG: yesssssssssss!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D

===>

You are now the emotionally constipated Jane Crocker, who in all honesty, needs to talk about feelings more than you have in the past few years. You’ve simply never had the chance with your constant chasing after Jake. Years spent not realizing you were after something you couldn’t have, not until it was too late. No matter how much Roxy thinks you can mend things with Jake and Dirk, the truth is you probably never will.

Things are just so…

Unsettled.

Yes, unsettled between all of you. Something that is in a large part, your fault. If only you never let your feelings take control of you. Even if the Batterwitch played a large part in your shameful actions, you know full and well that you never would have done such a thing if you valued your friends over some selfish desire. 

Heck, looking back at it, you don’t even know what you saw in Jake. He is certainly funny, yes, and a fair bit handsome too. But whatever spark of feeling you had for him is just...gone now. All that remains of it is a deep sense of regret settled in your gut.

You don’t know if it will ever leave.

Still, you must go on Crocker! You still have at least one friend left, maybe more if you count your sons friends. That was weird to think, but the point still stands. Roxy still wants you. You haven’t messed everything up. You still have something left.

You begin to pack up your things for the evening, settling them in your sylladex. A nonexistent item in this world, apparently Beta Jake’s company tries to make them before it shut down for vague and mysterious reasons that he won’t tell you about. It is strange thinking about growing up with an older version of Jake as your honorary grandpa, so strange in fact, that you choose not to think about it again for as long as you can. Or anything related to your ectobiological family really, especially things that involve Jake.

Yes, you are going to stop thinking about them right …about……now!

Hmm, that didn’t really work but at least you tried. Maybe you should think about someone else instead and try to fill your headspace. Like, Dirk. No wait, equally bad idea. Now all you can think about is how much you hurt his feelings by stubbornly pursuing Jake. And now you’ve come right back around to Jake.

Maybe you should just think about getting to the Lalonde’s, it’s very unlikely you’ll have to think about Jake there. So you think about that instead, paying far more attention to what you are putting in your sylladex that strictly necessary. You go over your mental list and decide you’ve packed enough of everything, just in case something occurs on your way there, and check everything off. 

You head outside of your room and begin making your way downstairs. It seems that John isn’t here anymore, perhaps he’s catching up with his friends? Oh wait, he did say something about hanging out with Jade after school, he’s probably out with her. Just two siblings catching up. Two siblings you are biologically the mother of. With Jake. 

DAMN IT, STOP THINKING ABOUT JAKE!

That’s it! You are not going to think about anything even remotely related to Jake from this point on! Not even yourself! You’re just going to keep stomping your way to the Lalonde’s like some sort of machine! And not the self-aware kind of machine. Like- a toaster. You are now a walking, non-sentient toaster.

A toaster who has made its way outside of its house and down the street without thinking about  _ certain people  _ even once, and you’re halfway to your destination too! See, you can totally do this. Just keep walking and you’ll be fine. Nothing is going to ha-  _ blrgh! _

You fall over to the ground, seeing as you have been bumped into.  _ Ouch _ , you had forgotten how much concrete sucked to fall on. Still, you get up and brush yourself off, a minor scrape is nothing compared to, say, having your dreamself stabbed in the gut. You turn around to apologize to the person who ran into you for not paying attention, and-

Oh.

Oh fuck.

Standing in front of you _ (or well, more like crouching seeing as he apparently suffered knockback from running into you)  _ is none other than Dirk Strider himself. 

Your mind screeches  _ abort mission! _ But it’s far too late, the two of you have already initiated a long period of awkward eye contact. There’s no saving you now, might as well try to start a conversation to make this whole scenario less awkward.

“Uhm, hello there Dirk,” You start, “How has it been?”

“Not so different then when you last saw me two hours ago,” Dirk deadpans, still not rising from the concrete, “The road rash you just gave my hand has been the highlight of my evening.”

“Oh! I’m so sorry about that, here let me see-“ 

“Nah, it’s fine, I’ve felt worse,” Dirk stops you in your tracks, “‘Sides, what will the neighbors think if you started doing healing witchcraft in the middle of the street?”

You had almost forgotten about your neighbors honestly, but Dirk does have a point. You still feel bad about giving him that injury though. Granted, you still feel bad about a lot of things, you suppose this is just the icing on the cake, “Fair point, but you should get a bandage just in case it gets infected, or...uhm…something like that.”

Dirk finally sits up, the clenching of his right fist the only sign he was injured, “Somehow I doubt something like street germs is going to affect my immortal being.”

“You never know,” You mutter, you are fairly certain that even as a demigod of some sort you could still get sick. But considering this is Dirk, he likely would rather decapitate himself again then have a modicum of self preservation. Lest he break his  _ “cool and ironic” _ facade that you know is secretly a sack of horseshit he has cultivated in order to keep other people from knowing he has feelings that can be hurt and- 

It seems you got a bit carried away there with your internal rant and now the two of you are staring at each other again. Damn it.

“Ah, uhm, you should still get that bandaged just in case,” You try to break the ice, god, your neighbors probably think your some maiden confessing her first crush right now with all this stuttering, “I’m heading to Roxy’s and she might...have some...if you aren’t too busy to come along, it’s fine if you are!”

_ Agh _ , no Crocker you were trying to keep this from being awkward! Not invite him with you! Now you’ve put him on the spot and he won’t accept which will make him feel like a dick which make you feel like a dick becau-

“Sure,” He shrugs, completely nonchalant as if he hasn’t been avoiding you all day, “I literally have nothing better to do.”

“Oh, good! That’s good, for your hand I mean.”

“Right.”

The quiet descends once more.

“Yes...uhm...let's go,” You turn around and begin to walk. You almost expect Dirk to not actually follow you, but you see him close behind when you look over your shoulder. Thus begins a several minute walk in complete and utter silence.

Eventually your two person troop arrives at its destination, a fanciful white mansion that is somehow still pure white. You reach over and ring the doorbell, there is no immediate answer. So you and Dirk stand outside the lavish front door  _ (something that you don’t think suits Roxy so much as it does her mother)  _ waiting. It has not gotten less strained between the two of you.

Seriously Jane, just say something!

You open your mouth, “Di-“

_ Slam!!! _

The monumental door in front of you is slammed open as if it didn’t weigh anything at all, and there in the doorframe stands one Roxy Lalonde. You are moderately impressed, but a little peeved that you didn’t get to finish your sentence.

“JANEY!!” Roxy practically screeches and then throws herself at you, thankfully you do not face plant into the sidewalk for the second time that day out of sheer preparation.

“This is blatant favoritism,” Dirk snips, having gone completely unnoticed.

Roxy lets out a dramatic gasp and releases you from her stranglehold, “Why Mr. Strider, I didn’t know you were visiting too!”

Dirk shrugs again, then raises his skinned palm, “It was an impromptu decision, apparently I’ll die of a sidewalk infection if I don’t get immediate medical attention.”

“Hmmm,” Roxy squints, “Yep, looks pretty serious to me.”

You are extremely thankful for Roxy and her ability to make things less awkward in this moment, and also for the fact that she hasn’t brought up the fact that you and Dirk had been staunchly ignoring each other for the past twenty four hours.

Which, in retrospect, does not sound like much. But considering you just spent the last three years in a self made solar system with no concept of time you think that it’s excusable. Besides, things always seem to happen so  _ fast _ to the lot of you. It’s almost hard to comprehend it really, which is probably one of the reasons you’re not a Time Player.

“If you say so Dr. Lalonde,” Dirk puts his hand down, not looking at it twice. What a terrible patient. Not that you’re going to say that to his face. It’s a bit too soon for any of you to be calling each other terrible.

Roxy nods, “I know so, now be a good dying man and go inside. I must consult with my nurse on this matter.”

“Whatever you say doc,” Dirk then vanishes, presumably flash stepping inside.

Roxy grabs your arm and a cold feeling washes over you. Startled, you almost jump out of her grip but she holds tight. Holding a finger to her lips, Roxy utters a, “Shhhhhhh, we gotta talk.”

You then notice how transparent she looks, and you look, apparently she made the two of you invisible then. You wish you could have done that a few minutes ago, honestly, “I see, or well, don’t see I suppose. Seeing as we’re rather unnoticeable at the moment.”

“Yeah, I didn’t want Dirk eavesdropping. You know he would, the sneak,” Roxy ignores the irony in her statement once more.

“I don’t think you have the right to call anyone a sneak Roxy.”

“I mean, you’re right, but that won’t stop me.”

“I don’t think anything is actually  _ capable _ of stopping you.”

“You flatter me but we both know that isn’t true,” Roxy claims, “But let’s not get depressing just yet, I’ve gotta question.”

“No, I did not ask Dirk to come with me.”

“Not my question, but good to know.”

“Huh, I thought I had that one.”

“You were pretty close,” Roxy concedes, “I was gonna ask if you and him were talkin’ again in a rhetorical way, cause the platonic tension between the two of you couldn’t be cut with a knife.”

“Ah, glad to know I did not miss my mark by too much then.”

“I’d be more impressed if you did honestly, but let’s stop stalling. Why’d you bring Dirk? ’Cause I’m pretty sure you said you were avoiding him like, less than an hour ago.”

You cough, “Erm … it was an accident but, well, he kind of … _ ranovermeinthemiddleofthestreet.” _

“He did WHAT?” She exclaims, almost letting go of your arm in her excitement.

“It was an accident,” You hurriedly explain, looking back on it that statement did sort of paint Dirk as the villain of the whole debacle, “I froze in the middle of the sidewalk and he ran into me because he wasn’t paying attention or something, it wasn’t an attack on my person or anything like that. He didn’t even knock me over.”

“Oh, well that’s good, better than our friendship circle drama escalating to physical violence, again. Speaking of violence, what happened to Dirky’s hand?”

“ _ Again?  _ Er, actually, nevermind. As for his hand, uhm...when he ran into me he might have been knocked back? Into the sidewalk.”

“Pfft.”

“I fail to see what’s funny about that.”

“No it’s just,  _ Almighty Dork Strider,  _ defeated by the pavement.”

“Oh, that is a little funny, but I’m not feeling and hoo’s coming on.”

“Damn, I thought calling him a dork would get you.”

“Unfortunately, It did not, and we should probably stop stalling because Dork is going to get suspicious if we spend anymore time outside.”

“You say that like he’s not already sus.”

===>

And then you were stuck in a cramped room with Dirk Strider. For some context, Roxy had let you inside and dragged the two of you up to her room for  _ ‘bonding time’,  _ something that fills you with a primal sort of dread. But maybe that’s just you. 

You glance over at Dirk’s stoic demeanor and thing  _ probably not. _

“Aha!” Roxy shouts from the inside of her ridiculously large closet. She had gone in there to look for something and you’re afraid to see what she’s going to pull out, “I’ve got it!”

She walks out of her closet brandishing...a suitcase? It’s bright pink and sparkly with a cat face printed on the front, the only saving grace for its abhorrent color scheme. It does not surprise you that she has a suitcase that looks like this.

“That’s the greatest thing I have ever seen,” Dirk comments, basking in its fluorescent glory. Of course he would think so. Dirks taste only consists of the most ironic of products.

Roxy looks incredibly smug, “Oh  _ really? _ ”

And then she opens it.

“I stand corrected,” Dirk begins, “Clearly that was only the mere vessel holding back its true power, holy  _ fuck _ that is a lot of glitter.”

In front of you lies the holy grail of bad fashion. Booty shorts, shirts with no sides, fishnet,  _ crocs,  _ and so, so much more lie inside the coruscating travel pack. Has she been  _ collecting these? _

“Roxy,  _ why?”  _ You grimace.

“Why what?” She acts clueless but you know better.

“Just,  _ why?”  _

“Don’t question art, Crocker, no one likes a critic,” Dirk intones. Your heart sinks a bit, but he didn’t mean anything by it. Did he?

“Now, now Dirky,” Roxy chides, “She has yet to see their true majesty. She’ll know better soon.”

That sounds...threatening.

“What do you mean,” You tread carefully. With your expert detective skills you have already deduced the most likely option, but you hold out hope for being incorrect.

“I mean,” She picks up a shirt, or well not a shirt, a paisley  _ abomination  _ with cats sewn onto it terribly, “It’s  _ makeover time. _ ”

“Hell yeah.”

“Oh fiddlesticks.”

Roxy then picks up a pair of crocs, they jingle with hidden bells as she does so, and begins advancing towards you.

It is too late.

You cannot run.

===>

An hour later and Jane feels defeated. Roxy and Dirk had been gone unchallenged by you in their terrible crimes against fashion. You blame their advantage on the post-water apocalypse, they might not be as physically strong as you but they sure are  _ sneaky _ .

Anyway.

Back to your complete and utter defeat. One may wonder what exactly happened but the details of it are not something you would like to look back on  _ (So many bells. Just. So. Many. Bells),  _ so let’s not get into it. All that any hypothetical mind reader needs to know is that right now you feel like a fashion clown. More so one than even Gamzee Makara. He who has a  _ codpiece.  _

You blame the crocs. 

That jingle. 

Just. 

_ Bells. _

You hate bells now, they’ve done nothing but hurt you.

You take a good long look at your outfit in the mirror that Roxy forced you in front of. You’re wearing a dress that looks like it was made from stolen arcade carpet, socks made entirely of pink fuzz and some sort of shiny wire, and the  _ crocs. _ It’s terrible, you hate it. You just...don’t want to change yet seeing as you just got dressed. That’s all. 

Not that it matters too much, you’re clothes aren’t  _ nearly  _ as bad as the crimes against nature your friends are wearing.

Roxy has on so many belts. Belts in places belts should not be in, like some anime character who went mad over a sale on them. They’re just everywhere, and they’re super ugly with a range of eye-searing colors. She’s also wearing a tutu that was probably stolen from some middle schoolers ballet recital and knee high socks with purple and teal stripes. Also the cat slippers. And the old glow-in-the-dark bracelets. All topped off with a black shirt with pink writing, it reads, “ _ That’s Pussy Babe.” _

Despite how terrible it is, you have to say that it looks nice on her. But it’s still awful. All things considered, you got off lightly.

Or not considering the cruel and unusual punishment looking at them are.

Alas, Roxy’s is the least terrible of the two. At least in your opinion. Maybe it’s just the fact that he's wearing them, but Dirk’s outfit is  _ so much worse. _

His first, and arguably most acceptable, offense is the magenta booty shorts. They are plain with no writing and that’s the only reason they are escaping your judgement so easily. No the next offense is the shirt. Shirts. Apparently today was a good day for anime cosplay, because Dirk has tried his best to look like a character from...oh darn you forgot the name. What was it? Boruto? It’s not important at this moment. Back to what you were saying, Dirk is evidently trying his hand at cosplay because he put on a mesh shirt.

But that’s not the worst part of his shirt, no. That would be what he put over it. It hardly qualifies as a shirt, more of an apron that doesn’t go over a person’s legs. Transcribed upon it is the words  _ “Friendship is Magic”  _ with a poorly rendered jpeg of a realistic looking Rainbow Dash  _ (A name you wish to forget now, honestly.)  _ printed underneath it.

And the socks and sandals. They really tie it together in an awful sort of way.

He’s probably well aware of it too.

Then Roxy pulls out her phone, “Say cheese.”

“Fermented milk,” Dirk deadpans from his spot lying on Roxy’s bed, and then the camera goes off. Wait.

“Roxy don’t you dare post that!” You exclaim, finally realizing what she was doing.

She clicks a button, “Too late!”

You groan, “Roxy…”

“I’m just jokin’,” she assures, “I wouldn’t post that without asking you first, I’m not deleting not though.”

“Thank you,” You day sardonically, “I appreciate it.”

“Yer welcome,” Roxy nods and puts her phone away, “So, you havin’ fun yet?”

“Fun?”

“Well duh, we’ve all been  _ super _ down in the dumps lately,” She explains, “I figured some friend time would do us all some good, you too Dirk, you’re included in the sad friends pile.”

Dirk does not respond, prompting Roxy to frown. You feel at fault for this, if you weren’t here then it wouldn’t be so tense between the two of them, would it? Sure, you were all having fun earlier, much as you hate to admit it. But the bright colors and dumb clothes had played an excellent distraction. Now that it’s all over, Dirk has gone back to being a stone statue of a man.

“It was sort of fun,” You comfort Roxy, “Maybe we just need...something else to take our mind off of things?”

Roxy stops pinning Dirk with a look and nods, “Yeah, definitely, gotta get our minds off all that stress and junk. How about a game? No, that’s just more stressful. How about a movie?”

You nod, “That sounds great!”

A grin returns to her face, “Nice, any requests?”

You open your mouth to suggest something along the lines of a noire, you hadn’t seen one in a while. But Dirk beats you to it, “Shrek the Third.”

Both you and Roxy send him the blandest stares you can muster. The latter of you opens her mouth, closes it, and then opens it again, “Dirk, that’s like, the worst one.”

Dirk does not look away from the ceiling he’s been so determinedly watching, “I am well aware.”

You do not feel like arguing with him at the moment so all you say is, “Might as well.”

Roxy’s nose scrunches but she does not protest, “Welp, the masses have spoken, Shrek three it is. Lemme just turn on the t.v. real quick and I’ll get it playing.”

She walks over to her t.v. set and turns it onto her Netflix. You are not surprised to see  _ Cats 101  _ on her most recently watched. She does not allow you to get a closer look, quickly, she looks up  _ Shrek the Third  _ and selects it. Then she perks up, “Oh, snacks! I'm gonna go get snacks, be right back!”

She rushed out of the room before either of you could stop her, leaving the room in a tense quiet.

Damn it Roxy, you were counting on her to keep this from getting awkward. Without her presence the silence felt all the more creeping, which was ironic seeing as she was the Void player here. Perhaps you should just wait for her to come back. She souldn’t take too long.

So you waited.

And waited.

And waited.

You are starting to believe she did this on purpose. 

The silence is still deafening. You look over at Dirk from where he is resolutely ignoring you. Your heart pangs, god, your such a fuck up. Dirk won’t even look at you. You wish you could apologize but-

But-

Actually, what is keeping you from apologizing?

Your own sense of pride? As if you had any of that left.

Stubbornness? Well you do have plenty of that, but that doesn’t feel quite.

Overwhelming guilt? Ah, yes, that’s it.

You feel so guilty about having a hand in messing up his relationship with Jake that you don’t even want to speak to him. That’s it. You almost forgot after the whole impromptu fashion show deal. You almost can’t believe that you’d forget something like that but, well, you  _ were _ having fun.

You tap your foot, Roxy still isn’t back. She is definitely doing this on purpose, but why? What is she getting by doing this? You tap your foot more, and then look over at Dirk.

Maybe you should apologize right now.

The thought catches you off guard, but it’s a good point. The two of you probably won’t be alone like this again in a long time, and Roxy likely won’t be back for a while. Plus, neither of you know the hiding spots of this household, you both have nowhere to run. 

You look over at Dirk and his blank expression, he has yet to move since Roxy left the room.

Yes, definitely time to apologize.

Shuffling a bit closer to Dirk, you prep yourself internally. Then you say, “I’m sorry.”

He starts, it seems you’ve caught him off guard, “What?”

“I’m sorry,” You repeat.

“What the fuck?” He asks, “What are you talking about?”

Does he really not know? Then why was he avoiding you? Maybe he’s just playing obtuse, “You know, the...thing. I’m sorry for the thing.”

“That is really nonspecific, what  _ thing?” _

He’s really going to make you say it isn’t he, “The, fuck, the  _ Jake  _ thing!”

Dirk sits up, “I have no clue what the fuck you are talking about. What did you do with  _ Jake _ ?”

Okay then, he really doesn’t know what you’re apologizing about then. Awkward, but then again, “Oh, you know, or don’t I guess. The thing. With Jake. When you two were...together. And I was busy playing the third wheel on a bicycle. I know I didn’t make things easy on either of you and that I came off as kind of a bitch. Plus everything I did under the Batterwitch an-“

“Hold up, is this about your crush on Jake?”

“No! Yes. Sort of? It wasn’t supposed to be but I guess that did sound like it was.”

“Then what the hell were you talking about?”

“Ugh, I’m sorry, I’m sorry for being an unsupportive and shitty friend okay?!”

“Wait,” Dirk hops off the bed, “Who said anything about you being a shitty friend?”

“No one!” You throw your hands up, “It was fairly fucking obvious with the way you’ve been avoiding me all day!”

“I wasn’t avoiding you.”

“Oh really? Then explain why you refuse to come within five feet of me, or the silent treatment, or, oh I don’t know!”

“That wasn’t-“

“Then what  _ was _ it Dirk?!”

“I thought you were mad at me damnit!”

_ What? _ You did not expect that, “Why would I be mad at you?”

“ _ Why would you-  _ Maybe for stealing your crush, being a manipulative bastard, a long list of other bullshit I’m responsible for? Seriously, it’s longer than The Subspace Emissary's Worlds Conquest,” Dirk’s face twists into something discontented, the most emotion you’ve seen from him all day.

“First, I have no idea what that is. Second, you didn’t  _ steal _ anyone! Jake  _ picked _ you and that’s all there is to it. I was just getting in the way.”

“I  _ know  _ that, and I notice you didn’t deny everything else that I just said.”

“I’m not going to deny that you’ve done some dumb shit, Dirk. We all have. I don’t know why you would think I’d be pissed about your dumb shit in particular.”

“Because my dumb shit almost got us all killed?”

“So has mine, several times.”

“Yeah, but-“

“But what Dirk? What have you done that could possibly be worse than what I did for the Batterwitch?”

“That wasn’t your fault, that was literal fucking brainwashing!”

“No it wasn’t!” You yell, the loudest you’ve been this entire time, “That was me, all those terrible things I said were me Dirk!”

“Really, ‘cause from the looks of it a whole lot of your bullshit happened  _ after  _ you put on the mindfucking tiara.”

“Yes, but I was still the one who thought those things, not some damn tiaratop!”

“Okay, sure, but I’m pretty sure that thing did some pretty fucked up things to your psyche because I’m like ninety percent sure regular, not mentally compromised, Jane wouldn’t do that shit,” Dirk scoffed, “Unlike me, you didn’t do anything of your own free will.”

“ _ Ugh,  _ are you even listening to yourself?” You huffed, “You keep making yourself out to be some big, bad, scary villain. Well news flash, the only thing I see standing in front of me is a huge dumbass who can’t figure out how to take an apology!”

“Says the person who also can’t take an apology.”

“ _ Agh _ , god you’re such a-,” You stutter, “You’re such a-“

“Douchebag?”

“ _ Dork.” _

Dirk freezes, his face untwisting, “Did you just call me a dork?”

“ _ Yes,  _ you’re a dork,” You begin, now that you’ve stopped for a second, you have finally realized something, “You’re a dork because you’re standing here, trying to convince me your some monster in an  _ MLP shirt and fishnet.” _

“Hey don’t diss the shirt,” Dirk snarked.

“That shirt is a hazard to my health, if I spend any longer next to it I will curl up and die.”

“That’s what God Tier is for.”

“Oh no, I will go out a martyr. Jane Crocker, defender of poor innocent people from Dirk’s terrible fashion sense.”

“This is coming from the girl wearing bowling ring carpet.”

_ “Against my will.” _

“I don’t know, Crocker, looked like you were having fun picking it out earlier.”

“That’s only because I was doing it with friends!” You exclaim, and the air freezes.

Silence once again filled the room, not as tense, more along the lines of shocked to a minimal degree.

And then Dirk speaks up, “Jane?”

“Yes?”

“We’re both morons aren’t we?”

“Without a doubt,” You say, and then giggle, “We’re both so messed up Dirk, can we just agree on that?”

“Yeah, we are the fuckiest of fucked up,” Dirk agrees and then falls back on the bed. You join him. Both of you stare at the ceiling for a bit, you can now understand why Dirk was staring at it so intensely earlier. It seems Roxy has made a rendition of an eldritch abomination of a cat entirely out of glow in the dark stars. It’s interesting, but looking at it causes your mind to wander. Possibly due to the images dark influences, you do not rule it out. 

But eventually your mind remembers how your argument started in the first place, “Hey Dirk?”

“Yeah?”

“I have a question that you might not want to answer.”

“Shoot.”

“It’s about Jake,” Dirk tenses besides you, “I know you two broke up, but, Dirk, do you still love him?”

Dirk is silent for a long moment, before he sighs, “Yeah, do you?”

You think about it for a moment, but the hollow feeling when you think of Jake remains, “No, not really.”

===>

Thirty minutes later, one Roxy Lalonde walks into the room with a bowl of popcorn in hand, “Sorry that took so long, I kinda almost set the kitchen on fire but it’s no big deal. What have you two- huh?”

You stop and looks at your bed. 

And there lies both of your friends, fast asleep.

“Huh,” You mutter. You feel grateful that Your friends have made up, probably, but on the other hand you feel kind of jealous. But you’re just being silly, if those two want to have a feelings jam without you then that’s fine. So long as they’re getting along, ”Guess we’re having a sleepover.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> School has literally murdered me and I want you all to know that I’m suing. JK. I don’t have that kind of money even post-mortem.
> 
> Also, fun fact.
> 
> I can’t write emotional confrontation for shit.

**Author's Note:**

> Discord made me do it.


End file.
